


The 1

by sourpatchedkid



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: ChanBaek - Freeform, EXO - Freeform, Ex Boyfriend, Ex Girlfriends, Ex almosts, M/M, friends - Freeform, fuck buddies, going back to the past
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26156764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourpatchedkid/pseuds/sourpatchedkid
Summary: Wallow Digital's Editor-in-Chief Caleb Park is set to do a full feature on the youngest and hottest lawyer-bachelor in the country, Benedict Byun.In where two friends (read: ex fuck buddies) re-visit their past and learn about the would've, could've, and should've of their relationship.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 55
Kudos: 255





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm trying to write a full-length fic again. Please let me know what you think. Leave me a comment or a tweet @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores!)




**_2020._ **

**PEOPLE VS. THOOTA—FORMER PRESIDENT RAUL THOOTA IS SENTENCED TO FORTY FIVE YEARS BEHIND BARS FOR THREE COUNTS OF GRAFT AND CORRUPTION.  
** _Caleb Park, Wallows Digital_

The seventy-three year old former president Raul Thoota was found guilty on all three counts of graft and corruption. The prosecution team led by Prosecutor Heechul Kim successfully won after eleven months.

“It’s what the people deserve.” Kim says upon exiting the Supreme Court late Monday afternoon.

It’s important to remember that Kim’s team was also responsible for bringing justice in the healthcare scam and corruption from last year. Young and brave is what the media has labelled them. Kim only laughs at the tag.

“The only young person in our team is Atty. Byun.”

Atty. Byun, 2018’s Bar Top Notcher is the latest addition to Kim’s team. At only twenty eight, Byun has successfully become one of the youngest, most popular, and most sought after lawyer-bachelor of the country. In the beginning of the trial, Byun’s photos in court began circulating on social media and even a ten-second clip of his opening argument went viral on twitter.

“We will continue to fight for what is right.” Byun added, reserved. “We’ve been enduring the shit show this government has been playing over the last six years.”

Thoota’s team of lawyers will be having a press conference in the evening. To which, the prosecution team shrugs off saying that it’s time to take the night off after eleven months. But tomorrow, they fight again.

“We’re going to rest for the night and hide Atty. Byun from his fangirls and fanboys.” Kim jokes. “It’s been a year since we started this journey and with today’s verdict, I don’t think there’s anything else we have to prove.”

Thoota’s team refused to be interviewed by the media upon exiting the Supreme Court. However, their press conference will air at 8pm tonight.

_CP_

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
to: Benedict Baekhyun Byun <attybyun@gmail.com>  
date: Aug 24, 2020, 2:03 PM  
subject: INQUIRY: Interview for Wallows Digital October 2020**

Hi, Atty Byun!

I hope this finds you well.

I’m Caleb Park, the editor in chief for Wallows Digital.

In line with the recent events from last year, Wallows would be honored to have you in our cover for our October 2020 issue. We would like to inquire in your schedule’s availability and if we can arrange an interview then.

Congratulations on making history, Atty. Byun.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you!

Regards,  
Caleb

**from: Benedict Baekhyun Byun <attybyun@gmail.com>  
to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
date: Aug 24, 2020, 2:45 PM  
subject: INQUIRY: Interview for Wallows Digital October 2020**

Hi, Caleb.

Thanks for reaching out.

I’ll check my schedule and get back to you soon.

Thanks.

Ben

-

The Wallows Digital Office is filled with murmurs and keyboard typing sounds. The highly anticipated trial of the year officially finished at 11 in the morning, unexpectedly early for all the trial that usually lasted three to four hours more. All its writers and content creators rushed back to their seats, trying to be the fastest and most substantial news outlet that will release the news. Now, three and a half hours later, the office is remains the same—in panic, happy, and rushing for the deadline.

They’ve managed to get an interview outside the Supreme Court from the prosecution team themselves, they were also the first outlet to release an article about it, their Instagram live for their own commentaries reached eighty thousand views in only an hour. To say that everyone was on a roll was understatement.

But the editor-in-chief still wants one thing—to have the very first interview with the hottest bachelor of the country, Atty. Benedict B. Byun. That is, if the quiet, reserved, and very _tsundere_ lawyer agrees to an interview with him because in the last eleven months that the public has been raving over him, he hasn’t granted anyone any interviews unless with his team and unless it was related with the case. The young lawyer doesn’t even have any social media accounts that the public can gush over. He was mysterious. At times, _too_ mysterious and that’s what keeps adding fuel to the people to want to get to know him.

His computer dings signaling that an email went in. Atty. Benedict Byun finally replied nearly forty five minutes after he sent his. Furrowing his eyebrows at the nonchalant and a little dismissive reply, he picks up his phone and dials a number. One, two, three rings and—

_“What?”_

“Hi.” Caleb slumps back in his chair, swaying himself sideways. “Did you get Kyungsoo’s text? Dinner daw later.”

_“I saw. Iniisip ko pa.”_

“Oh, come on. It’s not like you’re busy.”

_“I am.”_

“Let me guess, nakahiga ka now at nagbabalak matulog?” Caleb chuckles. “Don’t even try drinking your sleeping pills because you’re joining us for dinner later. I’ll come get you. Does 5 sound good?”

Silence fills the line for about five seconds before Caleb hears a sigh.

_“Don’t you have anything better to do? Aren’t you supposed to be busy?”_

“I am but my only task today is to get you to say yes to two things—the dinner and my interview.”

 _“Edi lumabas din ang totoo. May kailangan ka sakin kaya ka ganyan.”_ Caleb is unsure if it’s a condescending chuckle or just a normal one but he’s sure that his he got an eyeroll for that. _“It’s not even our monthly dinner so pass talaga. Gusto kong magpahinga.”_

“But Bennie,” Caleb knows that once the Bennie comes out, Benedict Byun has no more resolve. “Me and the boys are so proud of you. We just want to celebrate.”

_“And you want me to say yes to your interview.”_

“That too.”

_“Tangina mo ka.”_

“Isusumbong kita sa mama ko.”

_“She’ll say the same thing. Napaka annoying mo.”_

“You love me though.”

 _“Caleb, I’d really love if I can take a nap before you pick me up later.”_ Benedict lets out a yawn. _“Pick me up at 6. Wag 5. If you’re early, don’t you dare wake me up. Wait for me na lang.”_

“Okay, got it, Atty. Anything else? Coffee?”

_“We can have your interview on Wednesday. I’ll rest lang tomorrow din. One day lang naman di ba?”_

“Maybe mga two. Kasi profiling eh.”

_“What do you even need to know? We’ve known each other nearly ten years.”_

“Eh.”

_“Wednesday and Thursday. I’ll block those off for you. Friday, I need to go home and see mom. Okay na? Can I hang up na? I’m so sleepy and tired.”_

“Got it. Thank you, Bennie.” Caleb writes down a note for his assistant to fix his schedule for the rest of the week to align with Benedict’s. “See you later!”

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
to: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>  
date: Aug 24, 2020, 3:10 PM  
subject: WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY FIELD: BENEDICT BYUN **

Hi, Mark.

I got a schedule for an interview with Atty. Byun for this week. He’s available on Wednesday and Thursday so I’ll be on field then. Please reschedule the interviews with the Hope’s team for next week. I’m also filing Tuesday and Friday as VLs.

Only text me when you really, really, really need me. Kapag isang really lang, don’t even bother.

See you next week.

Caleb

-

It’s 5:45 in the afternoon when Caleb is able to get out of the office in Mandaluyong. He has fifteen minutes to spare to get to Benedict’s condo in Libis. Is he going to get there on time? No. Is he going to be in a lot of trouble? Yes. It’s not his fault, really. His assistant, Mark, ran with him the schedule for next week and some things that needed his approval since he’ll be leaving for the rest of the week. Before he knew it, Benedict was already texting him that he’s about to get ready. He sprinted from his chair to the parking lot, ignoring the _hi boss_ and _good evening po, sir_ from the people he passed by. Sure, people will call him “suplado” but nothing is scarier than a Benedict Byun who was made to wait and by the looks of the traffic in EDSA, he was about to face his wrath.

He dials a friend for help.

_“Papunta na kayo?”_

It’s Kyungsoo, their dinner organizer of the week.

“Papunta pa lang ako kay Ben.”

_“Gago ka, nagtext na sakin ng See you. Tapos late ka nanaman.”_

_Late ka nanaman._ Since the beginning of time, Caleb Park was and has always been late. No matter how hard he tries to prepare on time, something always comes up and so, he just kind of gave up on it and took his time. His college barkada can be living witnesses to that—late to inumans, late to class, late to lunches, and even late to their own graduation—and overtime, they kind of got used to it. Often, they would lie to him about the actual time so he can be there on time except for Benedict. He can never get used to Caleb being late even going as far as saying _how can you run a team with this work ethic?_ And then the two of them ignored each other for two weeks after that.

He hangs up on Kyungsoo when an incoming call from Sehun comes in.

_“Bro.”_

“Oh?”

_“Nagpapasundo na sakin si Ben so dumiretso ka na sa Alba.”_

He lets out a deep sigh, gripping tighter on his steering wheel and rubbing his temples in exasperation. Sehun laughs at him and then he hears his engine start.

_“You were doing so well, bro. Parang 3 dinners ka na di late. Tapos ngayon?”_

“I got caught up at work.”

_“Yeah, well tell the lawyer that.”_

Usually, an angry Benedict entails a long lecture of the importance of time and why _his_ time should not be taken for granted. It takes a solid thirty minutes for him to slow down talking before the group can finally eat in peace. It also includes a fifteen- awkward silence before one of their friends crack a joke or do something funny. All is well again because Caleb will order his favorite dessert and he’ll even pay for his meal as a sorry. Usually, Benedict would still sulk and tell him he can pay for his own but he won’t do much. It ends with Caleb bringing Benedict home with yet another promise to never do it again.

They’ve known each other since college. With both Caleb and Benedict in the same block since freshman under as Communication students. They immediately bonded over their love for the books and radios. They would end up hanging out in the library and soon enough at their university radio center. They ended up being friends with seven more men in the same block namely Kyungsoo Andrew, Sehun Robert, Junmyeon Arden, Alexander Jongin, Leon Jongdae, Yixing Jacob, and Minseok James. They dominated Katipunan in all their four years, having friends from all their neighboring college and university and being regular customers of all the fast food chains along Katipunan Avenue. Some days they’d crawl home drunk, some days they were just the loudest people on the side of the road.

The nine men grew up together. They saw each other outgrow things and learn new things. Date people and not date them anymore. They saw each other evolve with new characteristics and become the adults that they are now. For the most part, everyone grew up well. It’s just Caleb’s tardiness that everyone had to adapt with and get used to instead. But not Benedict, never Benedict.

At first, it was fun seeing Benedict fuming mad in the middle of Mcdonald’s when Caleb is three hours late. He’d come in his shorts and sando with bed head, obviously just having woken up. He’d often be an hour to two hours later for group meetings and thesis activities. The other boys resorted to lying about the time but Benedict just wasn’t one of them. He always talked loud anyway. He doesn’t ever, ever stop talking, laughing, or reacting to things. It must be why after just a year of working, he decided to go back to school and become a lawyer. Arguing, after all, was one of the things he’s best at.

And as one does, the boys continued to grow but Benedict, faster than the others. His loud mouth became tight-lipped, only reacting when asked or provoked. His shallow humor only appears when he’s drunk and his bright smile was replaced with furrowed eyebrows and deep sighs. _Is this what law school does to a person?_ They boys would often joke but not in front of Benedict because he never found it funny. Even when he passed the bar exam and he no longer had to study for an entire day, he continued to be the quiet and reserved bar top notcher, Benedict B. Byun.

When Caleb arrives at Alba thirty five minutes late, he’s greeted with a sarcastic round of applause from his friends.

“Thirty five minutes.” Kyungsoo announces, raising up his phone with what appears to be a timer. “A new record. Hindi na namin ‘to ika-count as late.”

“Traffic was bad.”

“As always.” Minseok laughs, tapping the empty chair next to him. Next to the empty chair was Benedict who was now busy reading something on Sehun’s phone, fork in his mouth, slowly chewing on something while trying to understand what Sehun was explaining. Caleb sits, a little rushed, and then pokes Benedict’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Wait.” He mumbles. “Oh, I get it. Wag mo na lang sa shopee bilhin. We can find you a supplier for that.” He tells Sehun who was nodding in agreement. He turns to Caleb who was now losing his color, ready for the lecture he was about to get. But, instead Benedict nods at him and then looks away, continuing to eat some brownies—the dessert Caleb is supposed to get him as a sorry.

“Huy, sorry na.”

“Okay lang.”

“Sorry na nga.”

Benedict shrugs and then points to the remaining food on the table.

“Eat na. Hindi naman ako galit.”

“Galit ka kasi. Sorry na nga.”

“Hindi nga.” Benedict chuckles, glancing at their friends, looking at them carefully. “Sanay naman na ‘ko.”

It sends a pang to his chest— _sanay naman na ‘ko._ When Benedict is really, really upset, he turns quiet and dismisses things under the rug. _Sanay naman na ‘ko_ entails that Caleb is a horrible person that people always have to adjust to but he swears he’s trying and he’s trying the hardest around Benedict because that’s his best friend among all the other eight. There’s an invisible pressure when it comes to Benedict because he’s _this_ amazing person who has stuck with him among the good, the bad, and ugly.

“Bennie naman.”

“Kain na, Caleb.” Benedict scoots away from him to get some of Yixing’s dessert. This time, a cheesecake. “Oh, Yixing. Can you drop me off later?”

“But I can—“

“Yixing can do it.”

-

**from: Benedict Baekhyun Byun <attybyun@gmail.com>  
to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
date: Aug 24, 2020, 10:03 PM  
subject: INQUIRY: Interview for Wallows Digital October 2020**

Hi, Caleb.

Relative to the interview on Wednesday, kindly send me some guide questions for review.

Thanks.

Ben

-

“Are you guys really talking over email?” Yixing asks, chuckling at his friend who was staring at the email he just sent. Benedict is sitting next to him typing aggressively before hitting send. “Hayaan mo na ‘yun. Alam mo naman na character trait niya ang ma-late.”

Benedict sighs.

“Hindi naman sa hinihingi kong magbago siya di ba? Ang akin lang naman mag grow up ka na hindi lahat ng tao iintayin ka.”

“But he knows, iintayin natin siya.”

“Hindi ako! Kayo lang!”

“Please,” Yixing continues to drive when the light turns green. “Pinapatawad mo rin naman kaagad kaya okay lang. Tsaka Bennie, alam mo naman na ang tanda na natin. Hindi yan magbabago. Not for me. And not—“

“Especially not for me, right?” Benedict laughs bitterly, putting his phone down on his lap. He tugs on his seatbelt and then slouches on his seat. “Nung fuck buddies nga kami, di ko nabago kahit binigay ko na lahat, ito pa kayang pagiging late niya.”

Yixing purses his lips and doesn’t answer. This topic was a high-risk one. One that isn’t opened unless Benedict initiates and even when he does, it’s best to not speak of and about it. From experience, the results weren’t always favorable. Sometimes Benedict disappears on them for months until he feels that he’s over it or he isn’t ashamed of it.

“Napipikon lang kasi ako. Alam mo kung kalian lang siya on time? Kapag may kailangan siya. Sobrang aga niya tumawag kanina to ask for an interview so his stupid website can get the first interview from me. Tapos simpleng, susunduin ka, hindi magawa or not even call that he’s going to be late. Ang akala niya yata ay mahilgi ako sa surprise.”

Still, Yixing doesn’t respond so Benedict continues.

“He asks like we’re friends but we haven’t been friends in two years when we ended our fuck buddy relationship. Friends don’t sleep with each other so technically, hindi kami friends talaga.” Benedict, unfiltered and unabashed as he always is around his friends except around Caleb. “He pisses me off okay? You know what I’ll do? I’ll say yes to another news outlet tomorrow. Let’s see kung saan pupulutin ‘yang putang inang wallows digital na ‘yan.”

“Hey,” Yixing calls him out quietly, still unsure if it was time for him to talk. “Wag idamay ang work.”

“Kasi naman eh!”

At that, Yixing reaches out to him to pat his head. It’s the best way to calm down the young lawyer.

“What’s making you so mad? I doubt si Caleb lang ang dahilan niyan.”

Benedict huffs and then images of that certain facebook post from their old college blockmate flashes in his head—there’s a ring and a lengthy caption that she’s getting married.

“Did you know that Nana’s getting married?” He asks. Yixing shakes his head. “She is. I saw her post tapos nag email bigla si Caleb about a work favor. I just can’t help but think ginagamit nanaman ako for his own benefit. Baka nagseselos nanaman siya o nagagalit nanaman siya sa ex niya tapos ako nanaman yung pampalipas oras niya—“

“You know that’s not tr—“

“Don’t smother me, Xing. You know it’s true. We only started fucking because he was so angry that Nana got herself a new boyfriend. He’s so in love with that girl, hindi naman maganda.”

“Well—“

“Umayos ka!” Benedict warns him. “I know she’s pretty but let me have my moment. So ayun. This time for his work. Naalala ko lang kasi ‘yon. Naalala ko kung gaano ako ka-bobo para pumayag sa ganoong set-up tapos naalala ako na ni-reject niya ‘ko nung umamin ako tas iyak ako ng iyak tapos kinabukasan parang walang nangyari. Friends na lang kami ulit. Friend niya ako ulit kasi ako hindi talaga.”

After a few more huffs, quiet embraces both Yixing and Benedict who were both just in their own heads. Yixing remembers clearly the way that Benedict called him in the middle of the night, crying that he just confessed and crying even louder that Caleb rejected him. He remembers seeing them both at Kyungsoo’s birthday brunch the week after, pretending that nothing ever happened. Caleb was clinging to Benedict like nothing happened and the pure discomfort in Benedict’s eyes that almost always seemed like he was about to cry. He remembers Caleb being drunk and confessing to him and Jongin about what he did to Benedict and how he’s sorry for breaking his heart.

He remembers finding out about the setup when he caught them sleeping naked in Benedict’s condo, tangled under the sheets, and their shorts and shirts scattered on the floor. Caleb had just gotten out of his 3-year-relationship with a girl named Nana and he was heartbroken. Benedict was there and he let him in. He remembers the change in the way Benedict looked at Caleb and then, slowly the way Caleb looked at him. Albeit, Benedict never really noticed because he was always looking away. So, when the two ended their setup, it was a surprise to him and to the group because how do two imperfect people who are perfect for each other, mess this up?

“Say it. I know may iniisip ka.” Benedict says. “Come on. I won’t get mad.”

“Pero igho-ghost mo kami.”

“Well.”

“Edi wag na.”

“Joke lang.” Benedict gives him a lopsided grin. “Go.”

“Alam mo naman na sinusubukan ni Caleb bumawi sayo kaya ganyan ka kulit ‘yan eh.” Yixing treads carefully. “He knows what he did hurt you and alam naman natin na verbal words are not his strongest suit kaya nga siya writer eh and I want you to know na sobrang valid ng nafefeel mo. You can get mad every now and then but I think it’s unfair na you’re asking him to change when ikaw hindi mo mabago yung galit mo sakanya.”

“I’m not mad—“

“You’re fuming, Benedict.” Yixing rolls his eyes. “Benedict” was something to make his friend listen. “And we see it, you know? We let you be because you went through shit and your life isn’t easy but to be able to see Caleb in a different light na as our kabarkada, you have to forgive him and yourself. Ilang taon pa ba ang kailangan para completely mo siya mapatawad?”

“Hindi ko siya kailangan patawarin kasi hindi naman ako ga—“

“Isa pang pagsisinungaling mo, ibababa kita dito. Magpasundo ka kay Sehun.”

Benedict groans in his seat, defeated.

“Fine.” He drops his head against the mirror to his right and then he mumbles, “If I’m not angry at him then I’ll feel sad and I can’t be sad. I can’t be heartbroken. I’m angry that he treated me like a shirt as in bitawan na lang agad but I’m sadder that he didn’t choose me.” _Pause._ “I’m sad na hindi niya ako mahal. Pero di ba sobrang tanginang reason non to be sad? So I just choose to be angry.”

“Hindi ba mabigat?”

“Mabigat.” He affirms. “Pero kaya. Yung lungkot? Hindi ko sigurado.”

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
to: Benedict Baekhyun Byun ** [ **attybyun@gmail.com** ](mailto:attybyun@gmail.com) **  
date: Aug 24, 2020, 10:57 PM  
subject: INQUIRY: Interview for Wallows Digital October 2020**

Hi, Atty. Byun.

Will send a formalized guide questions tomorrow but it’s basically about everything—how you were as a child, did you always know you were going to be a lawyer, funny moments, sad incidents, stories, and experiences.

Thank you.

Regards,  
Caleb

-

Benedict’s phone rings right after he gets out of the shower. He’s had a long and tough day. He’d appreciate if all calls and texts happen tomorrow but with a sigh, he picks up his phone and answers the call.

“He—“

_“Sorry.”_

He stops drying his hair with his towel and plops on the bed with a sigh. The voice on the other end is full of guilt, as it always has been whenever he messes up. At this point, Benedict wonders if he’s really sorry or if he has mastered his tone when talking to him.

“It’s fine.”

_“Hind fine kasi galit ka.”_

“And my galit will pass if you let me sleep.” He says. “Alam mo naman na mabilis mawala galit ko so matulog na tayo.”

_“Pero ayoko nga kasi matulog ka ng galit.”_

“Caleb,” He switches his hand holding the phone and turns on the night light with his free hand before tucking himself in his bed. “If you’re worried that I’m mad na hindi ko na gagawin yung interview mo, wag kang magalala. I’ll still do it.”

_“Hindi naman ‘to about work. About you kasi. I’m sorry kasi nag leave ako for the whole week na din so naghabol yung mga employees for approval and nag realign ng schedule. Nag alarm naman ako kaya lang sa calculator ko pala na-type. Hindi ko talaga sinasadya. Tapos na-ticket-an pa ako sa EDSA kasi nag over speed ako kaya lalo akong nagtagal.”_

Benedict remembers what Yixing said—he’s trying, Bennie—but a part of him refuses to believe that. Believing that Caleb is capable of trying to change will make Benedict angrier at the person he wants Caleb to be.

_“I really wanted to be on time to get you and I’m sorry.”_

The voice has become really convincing now that his heart was slowly warming up to him again.

“It’s okay.” Before Caleb can interject, he continues. “Promise.”

_“Wag ka na magalit sakin, o.”_

“Hindi na nga.”

_“Kay Xing ka pa sumabay pauwi.”_

“Ganun talaga baka late ka pa matapos eh antok na ko eh.”

_“Bennie, thank you ha. For agreeing sa Wallows. Alam kong you hate interviews and anything media but thank you for letting us have you.”_

In the end, the truth comes out although unwillingly. It circles back down to what he thinks Caleb needs from him—work.

 _“But if you’re uncomfortable, just tell me, okay? Hindi kita pipilitin. You first, over the magazine._ ”

And even when he knows there’s more to it and that he’s wrong because Caleb isn’t _that_ horrible, he closes his eyes and ears refusing to believe because that’s easier than facing the cold and harsh truth that it wasn’t only him who got hurt.

“Okay.”

_“I’m sorry again, Bennie. Sleep ka na?”_

“Yes. Ikaw din.”

_“I’ll write down the guide questions—“_

“You don’t need to. Wing it na lang on Wednesday baka tulog lang ako maghapon bukas eh. Di ko rin mababasa.”

_“Okay. So—“_

“Tama na. Okay na.”

 _“Just want to say it one last time, sorry.”_ For everything that isn’t about being late. Benedict knows. He always knows.

“Good night, Caleb.”

_“Night, night.”_

-

When the morning came, Benedict is summoned to a conference call with his team about media interviews and alignment of their schedule for the next week. He sips on his coffee quietly, listening to what his workmates has to say. He wonders how one can be so jolly at 8 in the morning.

“Byun, ikaw? Dami na nagtatanong sakin ng number mo, di ka ba papa-interview?” It’s Joo hyuk Nam, one of their lawyers who was a year older than him and who always appears to be very, very comfortable around him.

“I might do one interview with Wallows.”

“Wallows Digital? Maganda write up nila satin kahapon. Good choice. Anyone else?” His senior, Heechul asks.

“None, really. Alam nyo naman po na hindi ako fan ng mga ganyan but I’m doing Wallows kasi kaibigan ko yung EIC.”

“Caleb Park ‘yun di ba? Medyo sikat din sa Instagram ‘yun eh. Metro is also asking for you, did you get their email?” Joo hyuk presses. “Also Seventeen din. They’re coursing through me kasi suplado ka raw.”

Benedict makes a face and shakes his head.

“I’m already having a hard time with Wallows kasi full feature daw. Sa iba pa kaya.”

Just then, another sleepy lawyer—Jackson Wang—pops up the screen. He’s late, like always. If anything, he reminds Benedict of Caleb except Jackson has no remorse whatsoever and doesn’t apologize for being tardy because in his words, “I still deliver” and no one can argue with that.

“Di ba ‘yan yung ex mo, Byun?”

He almost spits his coffee on the screen. The other lawyers look surprised, looking at Benedict expecting from an answer.

“Hi—hindi ah! Kabarkada ko nung college.”

“Ulul, nung nalasing ka di ba yan sumundo sayo tapos sinapak mo sabi mo bat di ka pinili?”

Benedict glares at him, hoping that his anger can get through the screen to wherever Jackson is. He fixes his posture and sends a look of warning to Joohyuk.

“Atty. Wang, it’s too early to discuss my personal life.” He starts. “And frankly, wala ka naman paki alam sa kung sinong ex ko o hindi. So, please?”

What makes Benedict even angrier is the unfazed look Jackson gives him.

“It’s just funny because you don’t like the press pero you’re saying yes to your ex.” Jackson’s mouth makes an ‘o’ shape at the rhyme. “But good for you. Anyway, Atty. Kim, I have 3 this week—Metro, Patrol, and ANC.”

Benedict slumps in his seat because _no, Caleb is not an ex._ An ex means they had a past relationship. Something they both cherished and loved but that wasn’t the case. Caleb is not an ex. He also isn’t a friend. A blockmate maybe. But not an ex. No. No, that would mean there was something. He stays quiet until the meeting finishes and he takes some more time by himself finishing his coffee. Until he hears his phone beep.

 **CALEB  
9:09AM  
**Breakfast?  
Hindi na ako late. I’m in the parking lot na.

_A buddy._

Breakfast buddy.

Chaffeur.

Yeah, that’s all Caleb is.


	2. Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old habits are hard to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID NOT PROOFREAD AS USUAL
> 
> PLS LEAVE A COMMENT OR SEND EM A TWEET OR DM @__jonginnie (yes two underscores)
> 
> WAAH ENJOY




**_2020._ **

The thing about habits is that it feels impossible to break them. A regular practice that feels as if it’s ingrained in your life that it would look and feel crazy to take them out or change them. Often times, one has a habit and does it continuously without noticing them. Say for example, Benedict cleans his laptop out of habit before starting work. He takes out his wet wipes, cleans the outside of the laptop, opens it up, and cleans them again inside. He does it without thinking and he treats it as the calm before storm of his day.

Some habits, though, come in the form of a six feet and one inch editorial in chief from one of the largest news outlet in the entire country. He types in the passcode in Benedict’s apartment and enters the condo without much fuss. Benedict glances at him from the couch and just nods in acknowledgment. He’s writing some emails and rereading draft pleadings. Caleb smiles and shows him the plastic bag full of Mcdonald’s. He quietly sets the table and takes out pancakes for the two of them. A cup of coffee for himself and a chocolate drink for Benedict. He then sits and waits.

In the last eleven months since Benedict joined Heechul’s team, the boys including Caleb were barred from visiting him in his home. No unannounced or announced visits because of two things—one, he’s never really home anyway and spends a lot of his time at work, and two, it was his only place to be alone but his friends knew of his habits and how sometimes when he spends too much time with himself, he spirals down into a dark place. He masks his insomnia as being swamped with work and his workload as an excuse for not being able to shower for days. So, they made a compromise. Once a month, Benedict was going to join them for a group dinner to wind down and for an entire night, he’s not allowed to look at his phone or talk about work. For eleven months, that’s how Benedict kept his sanity in place.

With the trial over and presumably less busy schedule, Caleb is worming his way in Benedict’s house _again_ and like a habit he can’t break, Benedict lets him. He takes one last look at his to-do list before making his way to Caleb. With yet another unbreakable habit, Caleb pulls him in and squeezes him for a hug.

“Ano baaaaaa,” Benedict groans but he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he nuzzles his head on Caleb’s shoulders and gives it a light bite. “O, hila pa.” He laughs when Caleb shrieks. Benedict finally pulls away to sit across him. He takes the Styrofoam cup and takes a sip of his drink and in a split second, he makes a face. “Why is this chocolate?”

“Di ka naman umiinom ng kape.” Caleb says as a matter-of-fact. “Tsaka yan favourite mo?”

The nespresso machine in his kitchen counter sits quietly. Six months ago, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of reading and rewriting arguments, Benedict’s colleagues taught him to drink coffee and like the knowledge maniac that he is, he taught himself the basics—the kinds of beans and the different brewing methods. Before he knew it, he was buying all kinds of tools—coffee machine, French press, and the latest addition to his collection, the nespresso machine. His taste buds completely adapted to taste of coffee and soon, he found himself avoiding all kinds of chocolate or anything sweet for that matter. And to think that was only six months ago. Funny how some habits are easier to break than the others.

Benedict wants to tell him he’s drinking coffee now and things have been a little different from his end but instead he keeps a tight-lipped smile and nods. He’s had his first cup fifteen minutes ago anyway and he can wash away the sweetness with water after. Somehow, making adjustments for himself was way easier than just _telling_ Caleb.

Since when did Benedict start hiding things from his friends anyway? _Hiding_ would mean it’s something he doesn’t want them to find out as if shying away a part of him that grew around other people. But when he thinks about it, it’s not so much of hiding these new habits but more of reserving these new parts of himself for the ones that deserve him. One day, Benedict share his entire life and soul with one person and that didn’t end well so perhaps, keeping things to himself even things as mundane as coffee is the better option.

Like always, Caleb talks his ear off about something from his office and the funny new meme in their group chat that he still hasn’t checked yet. He hears about something his assistant has done that pissed him off last week and about the fan girls that Benedict earned in Wallows Digital’s office. He replies with a hum, a smile, and another hum. Once upon a time, Caleb and Benedict were the loudest table wherever they went.

“Are you listening?” Caleb laughs, taking a sip from Benedict’s chocolate drink.

Benedict hums again. He’s listening even if he wants to doze off, really.

Habit, he thinks.

-

 **JACKSON WANG  
** 10:08AM  
I finally have a lead on the Tuan case.   
Wanna check?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:09AM  
Saan mo nakuha?

 **JACKSON WANG  
** 10:09AM  
Connections.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:09AM  
Bogus.

 **JACKSON WANG**  
10:10AM  
Nasa labas na ko ng apartment mo. Hinatid  
ako ni Kuya Heechul.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:10AM  
Kuya Heechul, huh.

 **JACKSON WANG  
** 10:12AM  
We’re not at work so he’s just kuya. Haha.  
He wants us to both look at it though.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:12AM  
May Starbucks sa baba ng condo ko.  
Meet me there in 10 mins. Bihis lang ako.

 **JACKSON WANG  
** 10:13AM  
8B di ba? Andito na ko though.  
Pabukas. TY

-

There’s an air of awkwardness when two people from different parts of your life meet. Old and new friends don’t click immediately and maybe that’s because of the kind of person you were when you met them.

Caleb watches Benedict’s work friend, Jackson, put up his feet on his center table and he can think of the million things Benedict will tell him once he gets out of the washroom. He waits and anticipates but the only thing Benedict does is tap Jackson’s leg lightly and then, they continues read whatever it is that they were doing. He can’t help but furrow his eyebrows at the sight. If he was the one to do that, he would’ve gotten an earful.

He’s still sitting on the dining table, pretending to work on his laptop. He planned to spend the rest of the day with Benedict to catch up, maybe watch some Netflix and cook some dinner. Kind of like old times. He didn’t really realize how much he missed Benedict’s presence until he was basically gone for nearly a year. Texting wasn’t even an option because Benedict was constantly and almost always reading things related to the trial.

Caleb isn’t stupid.

He can sense the change but even before Benedict got looped in the biggest trial of the country, the change was already brewing inside of his friend. It was only a matter of time for it to surface and take over. The quiet is too unfamiliar with him and even the dark bags under Benedict’s eyes and the callouses on his fingers were new. Caleb can remember vividly when the change began. Sometime, two years ago when they ended their old arrangement, the two of them tried their best to keep things normal so none of their friends would feel awkward. He saw the effort Benedict was putting in the façade in front of everyone so he doubled the effort which was mainly driven by guilt of breaking his heart. But as he tried pushing himself in the circle further, Benedict was slowly pulling away. Instead of being the talker, he became the listener. Caleb would run out of things to say and to stories to tell and Benedict would still keep his mouth shut unless he was explicitly asked to give an opinion about things. It frustrated Caleb for a number of reasons—one, his friendship with Benedict began and revolved around banter and healthy debate; second, it was exhausting to trying to take down one brick after the other only to be met with a higher wall in the end; and third, the guilt was eating him up alive.

It all played out perfectly in his head when he rejected Benedict’s confession—the latter would understand and things would fall back into place because that was Benedict’s most amazing trait: understanding. He was the most understanding human being he has ever come across and even when his tardiness got into his nerves, he would always try to understand, then forgive, and finally forget. In the back of Caleb’s head, he knew that there were times that he’d go over the line. The number of chances that Benedict has given them in the course of their friendship exceeds the fingers and toes that he has, whether in something as simple as his tardiness or something more personal that he said whilst joking.

When he offered the arrangement to him to be fuck buddies, he was drunk but not too drunk to know that it was a horrible decision but he still did it anyway. He was twenty five and heartbroken over the first person he ever loved. Her name was Nana. She was in the same block as him and his friends and god, did Caleb love her. He spent all of his years in college falling in love with her and when graduation finally rolled in, he mustered up the courage to ask her out. She said yes and the rest was history. They spent four years together before Nana grew out of it and moved to the States. There wasn’t much explanation except that she wasn’t feeling it anymore and that she found a job overseas. Before he can make any move to beg and stop her, she was already eight thousand miles away from him.

Heartbroken? Yes. Destroyed? Definitely. His friends sacrificed both their sleep and their livers during that particular phase of his life and one day, on Junmyeon’s birthday, he asked his best friend in the whole world, _“What do we have to lose? We’re best friends looking for relief.”_

Admittedly now, Caleb knows he should’ve stared harder and waited longer because now, he was sure he would’ve seen the hesitation in Benedict’s eyes and the uneasiness of his offer. He would’ve also seen the heartbreak when he said _relief._ To him, Benedict was relief. A sanctuary where he can go in and out whenever he wanted peace. Drunk Caleb never really thought of the repercussions of his actions because just five minutes after the offer he has Benedict pinned under him, crying in what seemed like pleasure at that time.

What he would learn two years later is that he was Benedict’s first. Effort, time, and confession aside, he was Benedict’s first everything. He knew how tough it was to go through that first heartbreak and he hated himself that he was _that_ person for his best friend. Their arrangement lasted almost two years when Benedict asked him over dinner— _do you even love me as more than a friend or is it just my company that you’re after?_ Caleb never really thought about it but something in his head was telling him that spending all his time with his fuck buddy slash best friend wasn’t normal. Hanging out during holidays and joining family events wasn’t something _just_ a friend would do but was he _ready?_ Not at all. He wasn’t even sure if he was over Nana then but what he was sure of then, was that he didn’t want to move wherever his feet were planted. He could sense the uneasiness in Benedict so he answered him with the most cliché and most scratched line in the history of fuck buddies— _masaya naman tayo di ba?_

Nothing ever really makes sense to Caleb unless Benedict was there making it make sense for him. He knew and he saw when he was slowly losing him and as much as he rushed himself to grow up so he could run after him, chase him, and maybe make things right—he didn’t make it.

-

“Babe, may coffee ka pa?”

The airpods was a prop at this point. Caleb looks up from his laptop and shoots a glare at Jackson unwillingly. He expect Caleb to call him out and make a face in disgust but instead, he only says,

“It’s Atty. Byun to you.”

Jackson laughs and throws a pillow at him. They’re still in the middle of studying this new case. He stands up and makes his way to the kitchen. It’s hard to believe that it’s his first time visiting with how familiar he is with everything.

“Uy! You bought the nespresso—what’s this called nga, Byun?” Jackson’s head pops out of the kitchen, an amazed smile on his face. It seemed that no matter how much of an airhead he was, he was still tolerable.

“Pixie Titan Ultimate Weekend.” Benedict doesn’t look up from his papers. “The capsules are above the fridge. Make me one din. Yung hazelnut.”

The exchange seems to relax and friendly that it makes Caleb uncomfortable. Is this how their barkada feels around them circa when things were still normal?

“Bro, gusto mo? Nagcocoffee ka ba?” Jackson’s still smiling and it was annoying as hell at how confident and genuine he is.

“I’m good.”

Jackson nods and disappears in the kitchen. Shortly after, they hear the machine doing its work and in just five minutes, Jackson is back with two mugs of coffee for him and Benedict. The latter mumbles a thank you while Jackson demands him to look him in the eye and say thank you properly. The cockiness dripping in his tone and in his voice makes Caleb want to throw the bunch of bananas on the table but everything was perfectly okay with Benedict so it was useless to even react.

“Has anyone ever told you na napaka ingay mo?” Benedict asks, teasingly.

“All the time. My mom’s favorite thing to tell me.”

“You still live with your mom?”

“I live _next_ to my mom.”

That elicits a laugh from Benedict then he shakes his head and continues back to work. From where Caleb was sitting, it feels like he’s watching a show on a screen where the audience and the actors are in completely different places. He ignores the pang in his chest until,

“Caleb, I have cold brew in the fridge. May vanilla na ‘yun. Drink it. It’s in a mason jar.” Benedict looks at him, motioning to his fridge. A part of him wants to say no, just to sulk for the hell of it. Another part of him wants to tease him for remembering his favorite type of coffee but before he can say anything more, Benedict was back to work.

-

Caleb tries to take a nap an hour later.

“Yan ba yung ex mo?” Jackson’s version of whisper was still somebody’s regular talking. “Pangit naman eh.”

“Hindi ko ex yan.” Benedict mumbles. “At hindi siya pangit.”

Jackson chuckles and ruffles Benedict’s hair. He earns a kick on the ankle for that.

“Alam mo, it’s nice to see you relaxed for the first time. It’s been months since we started working together pero lagi ka na lang tensed but here you are, in the presence of your ex—okay, friend lang—and you look more chill than ever.”

“That’s because we’re in _my_ house.” Benedict sighs. This isn’t really something he wants to talk about and unlike his friends, Jackson doesn’t really care to baby his feelings. “Wang, ayoko na ‘to pagusapan.”

“But he’s the oen who picked you up when you get drunk before remember? Siya and si Sehun, di ba?”

“Wang—“

“Wow, so this guy must’ve really hurt you na ayaw mo makipag away sakin and you really wanna brush it under the rug, huh?” A little scared although he won’t really admit it, Jackson scoots away. “I like talking to you because you argue well and your reasons are very logical and you make me think but somehow, ito, ayaw—“

“Wang, isa.”

“Fine.” For a moment, Benedict thinks he won but— “Kung di mo siya ex-boyfriend, ano siya? Ex-fubu, ex-something, ex— oh my god, nagka fubu ka na, Byun? Di halata!”

Benedict slams his highlighter on the table and gives Jackson a warning look.

“Putang ina, isa pa, Wang, ha. Kapag sinabi ko ba sayo titigil ka na at hindi na natin to paguusapan ulit, ever?”

Jackson hums as if thinking about it and then he nods. At that, Benedict walks to one of his shelves and takes out a bible, he sits in front of Jackson and motions for his right hand.

“Do you swear to not ask me or talk about it if I tell you?”

And like a true public servant, Jackson places his hand above the table and raises the other.

“I promise.”

Just as Benedict was about to put back the bible, Jackson pulls the book and mumbles a “your turn”.

“Do you swear to tell the truth, nothing but the truth, and only the truth?”

Benedict rolls his eyes and raises his right hand to promise as well.

“Yes.”

And in chorus, they both say, “So help me God.”

So help them God _talaga._

-

“Fuck buddy.” Benedict tells him. “Tapos na-fall ako, hindi ako sinalo. Bobo ko kasi nun, I wanted to make him fall in love with me tapos nung hindi nangyari, ako yung nagalit sa kanya at sa sarili ko. Okay na, ha? Tapos na. Back to work para makauwi ka na.”

Jackson stays still. He glances at the sleeping man in the dining room and then back at his friend. Benedict expects him to tease him or maybe say something along the lines of “corny” or “ang tanga naman”. But as if choosing his words carefully, Jackson says,

“Well—“

“Isang sentence lang Wang ha? Tapos ayoko na talaga.”

“Got it.” Jackson takes a few more seconds to look back and forth and says, “Pero hindi naman niya kasalanan na hindi kanya mahal. Bakit ka nagagalit?”

As lawyers honest to their promises, they both don’t speak about it after that.

-

When Caleb woke up, there’s an untouched spinach chicken breast in front of him. The soft murmurs of the television fill his senses next. He looks at the living room and sees Benedict laying on the couch watching TV. The messy papers were no longer on the table and Jackson has probably went home. There’s an empty plate on the center table, looking similar to the one in front of him.

“Kumain ka na tas lagay mo na lang sa dishwasher ‘yan.” Benedict says. “Alam ko gising ka na kasi wala nang humihilik.”

In his dazes state, he starts to do as he’s told. He eats his dinner and then places the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. He notices his laptop isn’t on the table and sees it blinking on the floor, charging. The time says its 8:45pm. He’s been asleep for more than 4 hours, no wonder his back hurts like hell. He’s just standing between the living room and the dining room, trying to make sense of life again after that wonderful nap. As if sensing whatever he was thinking, Benedict calls his attention.

“May salonpas ako sa kwarto, yung malaking square. Kunin mo na.”

The salonpas is sprawled on his bedside table, like he knew Caleb was going to get a back ache anyway so he got it ready. He gets out of the room holding the patch.

“Ben, can—“

Benedict’s sitting up, eyes still glued to the TV. Some documentary about dogs or something. Caleb situates himself in between his legs, lifts up his shirt, and hands Benedict the patch. Without even asking where it hurt, he places it strategically where he thinks it is (and he’s right). He pulls down Caleb’s shirt and then nudges him away. Caleb plops down on the couch next to him.

“Can I sleep here? We have to do the interview tomorrow anyway.”

A hum. Gone is the Benedict who talked long sentences when Jackson was still there. He’s back to short sentences, hums, and head movement.

“We should drink tomorrow sa gabi para mas masaya. Don’t you think?”

Benedict shakes his head. “Treat me like a client, Park.”

“You’re right. Sorry.”

It’s something between an awkward silence and a quiet one that follows after. Caleb was dozing off again when he feels Benedict place a blanket on his lap.

“Wear this. Bubuksan ko yung centralized mamaya.”

Before he can say thank you, Benedict has already turned off the TV and is walking away.

-

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:27PM  
You turned off the aircon?  
Paano ka diyan?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:27PM  
Electric fan.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:28PM  
Thank you. Palagay ka na kasi separate  
aircon sa kwarto. Hahaha.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:28PM  
Ok.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:30PM  
Thank you for washing my duvet also.  
Buti nandito pa to. Hehe.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:30PM  
No worries.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:32PM  
Good night.

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
11:33PM  
There’s tea in the kitchen.  
To help you sleep.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:33PM  
You’re the best.

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
11:36PM  
Ok.

-

The smell of brewing coffee wake Benedict up.

Limping his way out of his room, he finds a table full of proper breakfast—eggs, ham, fried rice—and two cups of coffee. Caleb is leaning against the kitchen door frame, texting, not witnessing Benedict’s startled state. When he looks up, the lawyer has gotten himself together and is making his way to his side of the table.

“Coffee.” Caleb pushes the cup closer to him. “I didn’t know you drink coffee now. Ang dami mo palang kape sa kitchen.”

“Work.” He answers simply, taking a sip of the coffee—a hug in a cup, literally. “Di mo naman kailangan magluto. May Starbucks sa baba.”

“Okay lang.” He takes one egg and puts it in Benedict’s plate. “Eat. We’re meeting up Kyungsoo and Jongin for lunch. May sasabihin daw sila.”

“Two meetups in a month?” Benedict groans. “Seryoso kayo?”

Next, he takes the plate with rice and puts some on Benedict’s and then a slice of ham.

“Ewan ko dun.”

“You don’t need to—“ Benedict slaps his hand lightly away from his plate. “I have hands.”

“Sorry,” Caleb smiles. “Habit.”

At this point, Benedict knows that the worst habits are literally impossible to change, stop, or even just alter a little bit because five minutes later, he finds himself handing Caleb some gloves after insisting that he’ll still be the one to clean the dishes.

“Wear this. Allergic ka sa sabon na ‘yan.”

And even when he holds himself back, some habits still makes him crack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID NOT PROOFREAD AS USUAL
> 
> PLS LEAVE A COMMENT OR SEND EM A TWEET OR DM @__jonginnie (yes two underscores)
> 
> WAAH ENJOY


	3. Cardigan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benedict knew that he'd curse Caleb for the longest time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT PROOFREAD AS USUAL
> 
> send me your feels through the comments or tweets or DMs (@__jonginnie ((yes 2 underscores))

**03.**

**_2020._ **

**KYUNGSOO ANDREW**

12:07PM

Thank you for coming on short notice, Bennie.

See you at the end of the month? Love you!

**BENEDICT BYUN**

12:09PM

Malakas ka sakin eh. Haha. Congratulations again

to you and Jongin. Promise to free up my November

and December so I can help with whatever you need.

**KYUNGSOO ANDREW**

12:10PM

Maghanap ka na nga ng aasawahin din!

Balikan mo na si attorney. Joke. Haha.

**BENEDICT BYUN**

12:11PM

Haha.

-

“Because you’re my first love.”

He says it with a blank stare and no emotions behind his eyes. It makes it hard to believe him or even be flattered with the statement. Benedict reaches for his phone on the table, checks the time, crosses his arms, and sits back on the chair.

The Starbucks under Benedict’s apartment is unusually quiet on a Wednesday afternoon. After meeting up with their friends to hear their announcement about their engagement, they went back to Benedict’s condo to start the interview early. Interviews, Benedict learned, were a lot more professional than he imagined. Caleb is sitting across him in his navy blue hoodie, his macbook open in front of him, a record between them, and his third cup of coffee since they sat down. It wasn’t all the time that he’s seen him in his element. Eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed together, it wasn’t hard to believe that Caleb was actually another person besides his ex-friend, ex-fuck buddy, and ex-almost. Clad in a beige oversized jacket over a black shirt, Benedict relaxes in his seat as Caleb sends out a few more emails and realigns his guide questions.

“If matapos ba natin ‘to lahat today, uuwi ka na kaagad kina tita?” Caleb asks, typing away.

Benedict shakes his head even though he doesn’t see it.

“Hindi. Friday pa rin.”

He’s answered by a hum. He takes his phone out of his pocket to check his own emails before putting it down in front him. He told Caleb to treat him as a client so it’s only apt that Benedict treats him like a professional too.

“For the brief profile, super basic lang.” Caleb says. He presses a button on the recorder between. “Start na tayo ha. Everything will be recorded for transcription purposes. Should there be anything off the record, please tell me so we can turn it off.”

“Got it.”

Caleb twists his neck left and right before sitting up straight.

“Full name?”

Benedict rolls his eyes. He understood what a brief profile needs but he didn’t expect it to be _this_ brief.

“Benedict Baekhyun Byun.”

“Birthday?”

“May 6th, 1992.”

“Undergrad?”

“Mass Comm.”

“Where did you finish your law degree?”

“Ateneo.”

“How long have you been a lawyer?”

“A year and a half.”

Caleb pauses and starts typing away on his computer. Benedict waits for him to crack a joke whatsoever but he doesn’t. He thinks that perhaps he can be friends with “Work Caleb” rather than the Caleb he met in college.

“Why did you become a lawyer?”

“Do you want the short answer or the real answer?” Benedict chuckles. He’s had one too many versions of answers for this question answered differently depending whether they were his mother’s friends, his cousins, his juniors in college, his colleagues at work, etc. “Short answer, I wasn’t ready to work yet. I tried for like a year and then I realized that I didn’t want to be bossed around.”

“Real answer?”

“I wasn’t good at anything _but_ studying.” He remembers his first job in Wallows with Caleb. He was in the graphics team. The writing team was already full so despite being a mass communications graduate, he was placed in the digital team instead. He was absolutely useless when it came to Photoshop and editing. He was only ever useful during brainstorming sessions and creating pitch decks. He wasn’t enjoying the late nights riding off of the back of his boss or his other workmates who knew what they were doing. Unlike Caleb who swept everyone’s feet in the writing team. “So when I started to work, I was a junior graphic designer but I wasn’t an art graduate so I had to learn and I had to teach myself how to, alam mo ‘yon? Photo shop tsaka kung anu-ano pa. Kasi noon, paint lang alam ko. I learned kasi nga I pick up things fast and I really studied it but my heart wasn’t there because no matter how hard I tried, ayaw mag cooperate ng self ko kasi wala akong talent. I felt like shit so I decided to go back to school kasi alam kong sa pag-aaral ako magaling. Hindi na importante kung ano yung pinagaaralan.”

“You said you wanted to be a human rights lawyer though.”

“I never said that.” Benedict smiles for the first time in a while at him. “I told you, as a client nga ako. Hindi mo friend.”

Caleb rolls his eyes and raises both of his hands in mock surrender.

“So, you studied so hard you became the top notcher last 2018. What was that like?”

“Actually, I was asleep when the results came out. My best friend, his name is Yixing, he barged into my room as in umiiyak siya tas hagulgol tas biglang pumasok yung mama ko and umiiyak din and what we knew lang was that I passed but 10 minutes later, si Yixing umiiyak nanaman kasi top 1 daw ako.” He can clearly remember the way Yixing cried as he shook Benedict from his bed and how ten minutes after that, he was crying again at how proud he was. He called their _barkada_ still crying while bearing the news. All Benedict wanted was to pass so being the number 1 scorer was just a bonus. If anything, what he really remembers was being babied and feeling so loved by everyone that day.

Caleb bites his tongue to prevent his little side notes and commentaries to slip out of his mouth. Benedict made him promise to treat him like a client if he wanted decent answers from him and he even swore that the moment Caleb breaks out of his character as the EIC for Wallows, he won’t explain things and just answer as is. He wanted to make a joke that it seemed like Benedict likes his editor-in-chief side rather than the actual Caleb.

“How did you being a top notcher define your career path for you?”

“I actually wanted to study again for a PhD.” Benedict rubs the back of his head when he remembers telling his mom about wanting to study again. “I had my papers ready na kaya lang somebody offered me a job in HCK Firm tapos sabi niya kahit part-time lang kasi naka maternity leave yung isang lawyer. So ako naman, sige kasi good pay tsaka…”

“Tsaka…?”

“Ex ko kasi ‘yung nag offer.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow, intrigued. He’s never heard of an ex. He didn’t even know that Benedict dated in law school or before that or even after. None of his friends told him either. All he knew after Benedict confessed to him was he became quieter and more reserved because he was hurt because of him. No one really mentioned about Benedict seeing anyone.

“An ex? Do you want to include that in this story or is that off the record?”

“Oh, its okay.” Benedict waves him off. “He’s cool. We’re friends now. He already talked about it, for sure, sa ibang news outlet kasi nagpaalam siya sakin the other day.”

 _Oh._ Still, Caleb needs to know more but he doesn’t really know how to ask without sounding desperate or _tsimoso._ It might be too personal and Benedict might opt out of answering honestly. As Caleb, the friend, he wanted to pry. He felt a little bit betrayed that he was kept out of the dark but he also knew why things were that way. But still, he’s been trying. Was he not worth letting know a secret? Was it even a secret in the first place or did everybody deliberately hide it from him? But why? Did Benedict tell everyone to hide it from him? Was he really _that_ angry that there are more walls than the ones he’s facing now?

“So, this ex, you said you to the job and then later on, you became a part of the team for the Thoota case.” Caleb tries to sound neutral but Benedict can see the change in the atmosphere by the way he’s gripping on his mouse and the way that he’s looking away.

“Yes. Actually, so we have two seniors si Atty. Heechul Kim and Atty. Eric Nam. Then we have the junior counsels which are Atty. Jackson Wang, Atty. Joohyuk Nam, and me. It was Atty. Kim who wanted me in the team and so I think Eric’s offer for me to join HCK Firm was a good decision.”

“So si Atty. Eric Nam yung ex mo?”

Benedict nods. “Please write this part tastefully baka asarin nila ako sa office if we have a good chunk of section for Eric.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Caleb replies, gritting his teeth. “Can I just ask one question as Caleb and not as Wallows?”

Benedict shakes his head. “No.”

“But—“

“I like your work ethic so I’m enjoying being a professional here. If you want to ask as Caleb, pwede naman ‘yan mamaya.”

“Pero may Eric.”

“We dated for a year. During my senior year in law school.”

A year? If Caleb was doing the math right, his and Benedict’s arrangement ended during his 3rd year in law school. That was two years ago. Two years and ten months to be exact. It’s been two years since he was completely shut off Benedict’s life. Two years since he’s been trying to get through him brick by brick. He’s been squeezing himself back in his life almost every day of those two years before the huge trial started so why the hell did he not know about Eric?

“Wala naman na dapat pang ikwento about it. We broke up in good terms because he had to take the bar because he’s a batch older than me. So we were like, if we’re both lawyers na, maybe we can date again, ganon.” Benedict tries to be as clear as possible without really giving anything away. It’s not that he kept Eric a secret. There were just too many things happening in his life all at once—graduation, bar exams, trying to find a new school or a career path—all while also dealing with a Caleb Park who habitually showed up unannounced in his family home, laughing and running around the kitchen in an apron over his white shirt while helping his own mother prepare dinner.

He swears he didn’t do it on purpose. Eric was the first official boyfriend, the first man who actually treated him right, the first man he introduced to his friends and the first man his family and friends loved. It just so happens that Caleb was always late to gatherings and Eric was always early to arrive and leave.

But also because, maybe, just maybe, Benedict wasn’t completely ready to let go of the tall man in their family kitchen no matter how much he didn’t admit it.

The look on Caleb’s face betrays all the toughness Benedict is trying to show. The questions and sadness behind the taller’s eyes was evident and he doesn’t really know if he should count this as a point to him.

“Next question?” He clears his throat and stretches.

Caleb looks away, probably trying to figure out a way to hide the disappointment on his face.

“What was it like being a part of the most historical trial of the year? The decade, even? You’ve gotten yourself a handful of fans along the way too.”

“It was a lot of studying.” He has never really taken the time out of his day to reflect on the last eleven months of his life and how much change it brought to him. “And a lot of growing. I’d like to believe that I grew a lot being surrounded by the team and constantly being challenged by the public. The media, even.”

“Speaking of media, bakit hindi ka nagpapa-interview before? Wallows is the first one to get you and we’re really thankful but was that a team decision?”

At 4 in the afternoon, the sun was slowly hiding behind the clouds. Benedict can freely look outside the window without having to shield his face from the sun. They’ve been at it for an hour and a half at this point. With Caleb only asking the things he really needed to ask. Benedict was thankful. He wanted a professional interview and that was what he got but he can’t help but notice that Caleb hasn’t looked up from his laptop since a while ago. He would ask, hum, nod, and write down whatever he was saying. The rapport was gone and even Caleb’s usual annoying aura was at an all-time low. The customers was slowly growing in number as time passed by, the white noises becoming more evident, and if Benedict wasn’t a complete professional, he would’ve asked to cut the interview short for a nap. He can feel the upcoming migraine behind his head and he wishes for nothing more than to get out in this now awkward situation and rest.

“I think I’m good.” Caleb mutters to himself. “Basahin ko muna and then if you still have time tomorrow, message na lang kita.”

-

Sometimes Benedict surprises himself. He’d like to believe that he’s a decisive and secure adult. But sometimes he does things without thinking and he ends up questioning himself and even the way he lives his life. When he does something not according to his original plan, he has to take three steps back to ponder why and he absolutely hates breaking the rules--even the rules he made for himself.

So, when he asks Caleb out for dinner after their interview, he spends the next fifteen minutes in the washroom rationalizing his decision besides the fact that he can’t think straight when Caleb has that look on his face of hurt. That never really suited him well. Benedict can remember the times he would drop everything as soon as that look has shown its shadow. Before it even made its entrance, Benedict was already there next to him, pacifying the situation. How is this situation different now than it was two years ago in their arrangement? How is it different from when they went back to being friends and he couldn’t study in a cafe because Caleb would send a pouting photo of him and his own mother. _How?_

 _Because he’s still your friend._ Anger, hurt, and pride aside, Benedict still saw him as a friend even at times when he would tell himself no because friends shouldn’t have done the things they did. Caleb and him were and will always somewhat have an attachment that he’ll never have an explanation for. 

_Because you don’t want to hurt anyone._ He never wants anybody else to feel the way he did--discarded and useless by the person he loved the most. So, he’s taken extra steps to make the people around him feel loved. In his own odd ways, of course. In random deliveries for his friends or surprise dinners when he decides to cook. He was always trying to do things to make people important because that’s what he missed out on with Caleb--with the person he treated as his best friend. He had his ways. He knew they weren’t sweet ways but they were ways, nonetheless.

_Because he’s Caleb._

“Sure ka, hindi ka iinom?” Caleb asks. They found themselves somewhere in Katipunan surrounded by college students on a Wednesday night. It takes them back to eight years ago when they were trying to make do with whatever change was in their pockets in overpriced and expensive restaurants near their University. They always end up in a bar though. Actual dinner be damned. 

So that’s where they were. Caleb drove them to the dingy Katipunan bar called Walrus in front of their alma mater, munching on cheese nachos and a tower of gin. Benedict watches as groups of students stumble in and out the bar, everyone laughing and clinging onto each other as if it was dear life. _Oh to live in a time where everything was easy._

“Easy ka lang. Magmamaneho ka pa.” He reminds Caleb. Before deciding to get a tower, Caleb already finished two bottles of Red Horse. _Like old times,_ he said. He only gets a chuckle out of him and then he continues gulping on the flavored drink. “Do you want to discuss yung love life sa interview? Covered na kasi natin lahat pero yung love life, nakita ko sa twitter, yung most asked about you.”

“Shouldn’t that be your call? Ikaw magsusulat di ba?”

Caleb scrunches his nose. Another swig. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“We can try. Review na lang tapos if hindi okay, we can revise.” Benedict checks the time on his phone. 6:08PM. It’s too early to be drunk especially for two almost thirty year olds but it seemed useless to remind Caleb over and over when he’s treating the gin as juice. “Agahan mo ha. Kasi gusto ni mama doon ako mag dinner sa bahay.”

“You really act like nasa probinsya sila eh bungad lang ng Bulacan ‘yun.”

“I’m gonna commute kasi. Nasa talyer pa rin si Wanda.” Wanda, his Volkswagen Beetle 2000 who he’s had for quite a number of years as a hand me down from his older brother. The name was given to it by Caleb because it was once painted a bright fuschia pink, resembling Wanda, The Fairly Oddparent fairy. Wanda’s painted black now and he very rarely drives it because of its very moody machine. 

“O, ano nangyari?”

“Nag overheat nanaman.” He refills his glass and takes a sip. “As usual. Pero si Eric kasi yung nagdala nun tapos--” He stops when he hears Caleb chuckle bitterly, looking down on his bowl of nuts. “Isang linggo pa daw sabi ng talyer.”

“Di ka ba ihahatid nung Eric? Para naman makilala siya nila tita.”

“Ihahatid.”

He can’t read the expression off of Caleb’s face. All he knows is that this is all too familiar-- Caleb getting upset over something or someone and not really telling him what exactly it was and him caving in to soothe his furrowed eyebrows. He has his hands balled into fists to try to avoid doing anything stupid. He hums and goes back to people watching. In the next table, there’s a couple obviously drunk, eating each other’s faces while their friends cheered and shoved their cellphones on their phones. 

“Wasn’t it just six months ago when you got drunk tas nagpasundo ka samin nila Jongin?” Caleb asks, tone sharp and voice brave. “Bakit sakin ka nagpasundo and hindi kay Eric?”

He remembers it clearly. Jackson and Joohyuk brought him to a wine place to have dinner as a cheer-up for the three of them after running into one too many problems in their case. Benedict and Eric have been broken up for about four months then and they weren’t ever awkward. Neither of them brought up their dating nor did they make it difficult for others. It wasn’t like they were forcing it either. It’s just that with Eric everything was easy. Before dating, during dating, and even after. But he remembers fighting with Eric over a piece of notepad. The team has been running on caffeine with no sleep for four days at that point and he wanted a pink notepad but Eric gave him yellow. In his dramatic and sleepless state, he yells-- _Bakit ba hindi ko na makuha yung mga gusto ko? Ang dali dali lang eh. Aabutin mo lang yung pink._

Eric, who has always been the calmer version of him, stood up and looked at him before shoving a handful of pink notepads. He said, _Hanggang kailan mo ako gagawing sponge ng galit mo?_ Before walking out. To say that he was exhausted was an understatement. The entire team heard their little squabble so they opted to separate the two for the night. He ended up in Barcino with Joohyuk and Jackson. Three bottles of wine later, he was angrily ranting about how difficult it was to just be himself and how everyone had a comment on everything. People picked up on who he is and they began talking about him on social media. A lot of them were good but there were bad ones and Benedict tends to fixate on those. 

_“I want to be the perfect guy for him but his standards are so high, wala nang makakaabot don. Tatanda na siyang binata.”_ He tells his friends. _“I keep trying and trying and the standard keeps on going higher and higher. Alam nyo? Kung pinili sana ako nung Caleb na yon, wala ako dito. Dito ko na poproblemahin si Eric. Masaya siguro ako.”_

Of course, Benedict was spewing out shit. He wouldn’t have been happy if he stuck and waited for Caleb. His rational self knew that. He continued to talk about Caleb and how he understood Caleb better because he didn’t expect anything from him. So, in the end, Jackson and Joohyuk ended up calling Caleb on his phone to get him picked up. Without much fuss except a few muttered curses here and there, two men-- Caleb and Jongin--picked him up from dinner.

“Kasi nag away kami dahil sa notepad. Kaya pinaglayo kami so nag dinner kami nila Atty. Wang.”

“Kayo pa nun?”

Benedict shakes his head. 

“Tagal na namin wala. We’re good friends though and he’s just, you know,” He can’t find the words to explain that Eric promised him that he’ll wait and how a little part of him is holding on to that promise. “Always there.”

“Can I ask why,” Caleb pauses and gulps down the entirety of his glass. He refills from the tower and downs that in one go too. Until Benedict had to literally cover the faucet with his hand to force him to take a break. “Just why you didn’t tell me.”

Benedict shrugs.

“Di ko rin alam. I guess, you never really asked.”

“Do the boys know?”

“They’ve hung out.”

“So,” he traces the mouth of his glass with his fingers. He feels his chest sink little by little. “Ako lang talaga.”

“It’s not like anything would change.” Benedict says. “Plus you were always working tsaka di rin naman tayo lagi magkatext and--”

“Ang sabihin mo, ayaw mo lang talagang malaman ko.”

Benedict’s mouth forces an “o”, surprised at the sharpness of Caleb’s tone. He expects him to back down when he sends him a look but he’s already dazed and tipsy that he only stares back. In fact, if he was to look into it, he was staring at him just as angry. 

“I just thought na hindi mo naman deserve malaman yon.”

“I guess.” Caleb nods. “Akala ko lang friends tayo. Best friend kasi kita eh.”

“Best friend.” He repeats. He bites on his tongue as he tries to filter out the words. The number of people in Walrus has doubled and the music is now bouncing off of the floor. “I stopped thinking of you that way after we became, you know. Alam mo naman ‘yun. I confessed di ba?”

“And then we agreed to stay friends.”

“We didn’t.” Benedict fills up his own glass and takes a few huge gulps for some bravery. “An agreement is between two people. You decided that for yourself. Kahit kailan, hindi naman ako pumayag. Pero katulad ng lagi kong ginagawa, tinanggap ko na lang, What’s the use of fighting with you, anyway? Ipipilit mo pa rin naman yung gusto mo.”

“You know that’s the longest sentence you’ve said to me in a while.”Caleb signals for another tower from the waiter. “I asked you if we could still be friends. You said yes.”

“No--”

“Yes--”

“No. You kissed me before I could even answer.”

Like a b-roll from one of his favorite movies, the image of a crying and begging Benedict enters his head and how he cried so hard when he told him they should just remain friends because they work best at that. He remembers kissing his tears away and kissing him, and then having sex again.

“Okay fine.” Caleb rolls his eyes. The new tower comes in and he fills his glass again and takes a swig. “That’s almost two years ago, Ben. Hindi ka pa rin ba over? Hindi mo pa rin ba ako napapatawad don? Ilang beses ko na sinubukan bumawi, wala lang ba lahat ‘yon sayo?”

“I’m not obligated to forgive you.” Benedict tells him. He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s not like you apologized anyway.”

“Hindi ka naman siguro manhid para di mo makita ‘yung effort na ginagawa ko para lang makabawi di ba? Alam ko namang nasaktan kita kaya nga double effort eh. Pero hanggang kailan, Benedict? Hanggang kailan ako susubok at hanggang kailan ka lalayo? Ganoon mo ba kaayaw sakin?” He finishes his glass again and looks away. There are tears forming in Caleb’s eyes and he’s trying to convince himself that a noisy, dingy, college bar is not the best place to do this. 

Benedict is looking at him in defeat. It’s been two years since their arrangement. Four years since he fell in love with him. Eight years since he had a crush on him. He feels the bass of the music on his feet and multiple people kept bumping on the back of his chair. Somehow, he can only see Caleb. His eyes focused on Caleb and the way he’s trying to control his breathing to avoid crying. He has seen this before on multiple occasions but never because of him. Caleb was and has always been an emotional drunk and instead of feeling victorious or putting a point on himself for getting back at Caleb, he feels his heart drop to his stomach. 

“Because you’re my first love.”

He says it with a blank stare and what seems to Caleb like no emotions behind his eyes. It makes it hard to believe him or even be flattered with the statement. Benedict reaches for his phone on the table, checks the time, crosses his arms, and sits back on the chair. He can still ask Yixing to come get him. He’s probably still teaching in class or he can ask Junmyeon if he doesn’t have yet another business meeting. He’s sure he can still book a grab. It’s only fifteen minutes past 7. It’s getting a little late in his clock. Is this how getting old feels?

“Bakit parang nagulat ka pa, eh di ba alam mo naman?” Benedict raises an eyebrow. He finishes his glass and pushes it to the center. “I’m just wondering if you’re doing those efforts for me or kung para ba sa sarili mo because you feel guilty.”

“Wow-- do you really think that--”

“Or was it because the boys told you na bumawi ka naman para di tayo magkawatak-watak? Because alam mo na you did wrong and the boys know that too and that they’d choose me in a heartbeat over you.”

Caleb can think of a million ways to throw fist at his friends. Even at Benedict. He knows he isn’t the best friend and he is made up of hundreds of flaws that they’ve all been putting up with for nearly a decade. And yes, he has poor communication skills despite being an Editor-in-Chief; despite being a writer. To some extent, he knows how much his friends have done to adjust to his ways and habits and he’s taken advantage of that. But what’s so bad about that? His friends aren’t perfect. They have their own flaws too. He’s adjusted to them too. They’ve hurt him too but they’ve never held it over their heads. 

Why is he still being crucified over that one mistake with Benedict?

Growing up alone in a broken home with a sister over ten years older than him, Caleb didn’t have anyone until he met the boys in college. He was _the_ nerd as a child-- always drawing, writing, even joining Math quiz bees to keep himself busy. He never really knew what it meant to have a unit of your own until he had his own block who eventually became his chosen family.

Is it wrong to be scared to lose them?

It broke him to break Benedict’s heart and he admits that it was a while before he felt the aftermath of that. He’s putting in the time and effort to make it up to him. _To make it up to his friends._

When is he going to continue pushing himself over the edge over _one_ mistake?

Isn’t it punishment enough to fall in love with someone who absolutely hates you?

“Because it’s you.” His voice is tiny and barely audible especially in a place like Walrus. “Because I don’t want you to keep on hating me. Because I want to show you that I’ve grown from the person who couldn’t think straight and broke my heart. Kaya ako ganito.”

“Don’t you think it’s time to stop?” Benedict asks, earnestly. “Stop while _you_ don’t hate me for all the pushing away I’m doing to you.”

“But you’re still angry.”

“That’s my default, Caleb.”

-

 **ERIC NAM  
** 7:30PM  
Dinner?

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
7:30PM  
Drinking with Caleb. 

**ERIC NAM  
** 7:32PM  
Oh.  
How’s that going?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 7:32PM  
Told him to avoid me.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 7:33PM  
We discussed na you’ll face the problem.  
Not push it further.  
Forgiving, di ba?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 7:33PM  
Mahirap pala. 

**ERIC NAM  
** 7:34PM  
But you can do it. :-)

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
7:35PM  
I can’t do dinner but midnight snack?

 **ERIC NAM  
** 7:36PM  
Depends if you do well tonight.  
Make sure you talk to him.  
Be honest.  
Stop getting upset if he doesn’t get it the first time.  
What time should we leave tomorrow?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 7:37PM  
Around 2pm? Mama wants us to have dinner there.  
Nag luto daw siyang kalderetang baka for you. Haha.   
Ikaw ata yung anak?

 **ERIC NAM  
** 7:38PM  
Manugang kamo.  
If her son ever decides.  
Haha, joke.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 7:39PM  
Choppy ka.   
Tawag na lang ako mamaya.

-

It’s 3 in the morning and the students are slowly dispersing from Walrus. Two twenty-something year old men are still in the same spot they were in hours ago. Three towers, eight beers, and more peanuts later, they sit quietly, staring at the empty plates and glasses in front of them.

“I guess I asked for too much, huh?”

Drunk and honest, Benedict finds himself flooded with memories of the man in front of him—of how he wasn’t always angry. Once upon a time, his entire world revolved around Caleb. Boy, did that kid make him so happy. All his little quirks, his wit, humour, his lankiness, his smile, the dimples on his cheeks, his eyes—god, those eyes did things to him. Benedict remembers failing recitations and crying so hard he can barely breathe but he also remembers arms wrapped around him, shushing him and swaying him back and forth in the middle of the field. He remembers Saturdays with Mama Park and homemade breakfasts and Sundays with Papa Park and barbeque nights. He loved pamper days with Yoora and spending week nights with her kids. Oh, how Benedict loved swimming at night in their backyard.

He remembers random kisses during study times and sexy times in broad daylight. He remembers missing him on holidays and spending birthdays with him. There’s a chip on the edge of his family’s center table from when they drunkenly slow danced in their living room and Caleb lost his balance and hit his chin. He remembers bawling in the emergency room but Caleb just laughing and kissing his hand to calm him down. He’ll never admit that the sweater he left during the New Year’s is still in his closet, tucked, folded, and unwashed or that Caleb’s only bright, yellow shirt that he likes wearing on Benedict’s birthday still hangs at the back of his cabinet—untouched and smells exactly that one birthday when he surprised him with flowers and they got drunk on Hennessy.

His heart was sure and secure so it only took a little courage for him to ask Caleb out. No one knew it was going to end the way it did. No one knew he was going to be crying inside LRT 1 in pajamas at 5:30 in the morning in the middle of sales workers and students on their way to school. He never told anyone that he went back to Caleb’s apartment and sat outside his unit for two hours just crying. He didn’t have any more courage so he sat there under one fluctuating light in Caleb’s high-end condominium.

Multiple people that first loves always ended up this way—unforgettably painful but he wanted to tell them that he and Caleb were different. They understood each other and they loved each other in ways that even he can’t explain. Every time somebody tells him that he’ll find someone new, he wants to lash out and say that no one is ever going up to par with Caleb. _He loved Caleb._ He loved him wholly and dearly that it consumed him.

He loved him so much that it emptied him. So much so that when Caleb didn’t want to walk the same path as him, he was lost and had nowhere to go.

In movies, first loves are always those cute relationships that ends after a year but they eventually find their way after. If it doesn’t, it becomes a good story to tell.

But Benedict’s first love beat him up over and over again until he was gone.

He begged his friends not to do anything about it and would even defend him after that, _Hindi yun gagawin ni Caleb kung hindi niya alam na ‘yun yung best for us. For me,_ he’d tell them.

First loves aren’t supposed to destroy you.

When he remembers all of those, he’s immediately filled with anxiety and sadness of not being enough. So he holds himself together and turns away to get angry— _you’re not supposed to break your friend’s hearts—_ and he holds onto that, unhealthily but it’s the most bearable than holding on to his questions and what ifs.

Without waiting for Caleb’s answer, he places two thousand bills on the table and nods at him before jogging down the stairs to leave.

-

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
3:45AM  
Home na.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:47AM  
Everything okay?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:47AM  
I don’t know how to forgive.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:49AM  
Take more time.  
Healing take time.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:50AM  
Weh

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:50AM  
Take it from the man who got left  
at the altar and yet decided to love  
a very angry but very cute lawyer shorty  
after.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:51AM  
Bakit ako?  
You see how annoying I am.  
You see how I can’t move on from things.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:52AM  
Bakit hindi?  
You as you are is more than enough for me.

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
3:53AM  
I find that very hard to believe.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:53AM  
That’s okay. I have a lot of time to show you.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:54AM  
What if I never become ready?  
Kaya nga sinasabi ko sayo, wag mo akong intayin.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:55AM  
We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:56AM  
What if nga andito na tayo sa bridge?  
Di na talaga ako maka move on?  
Stuck forever?

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:57AM  
Ben, sleep na.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:58AM  
Sagot muna.

 **ERIC NAM  
** 3:59AM  
Then I don’t really have a choice, no?  
Because life goes on.  
Whether you love me fully or not.  
For now, sabi ko sayo mamahalin ko ikaw na  
para saating dalawa di ba?  
We may not be together again but I’ve made  
my intentions clear. But if in the end, hindi   
talaga. I won’t force you. I love you too much  
to make you do things that you don’t want to do.   
I know and I see how much you love/d Caleb. I  
understand I won’t ever get on his level.  
Pero hindi lang naman isang klase ang pagmamahal  
sa mundo. At mas lalong hindi naman ako nag  
mamadali. So let me just chill here and wait. Let   
me love you while I can and then we’ll cross the bridge  
when we get there.

-

Benedict wakes up from a call from the security guard on his condo. There’s food left for him, he said. He asks if they can bring it over.

The spicy laksa soup—his hangover soup—is still hot when it arrives in his unit. Wrapped carefully in a round pyrex, he takes out the lid and smells the very familiar fragrance from Mama Park’s household. In the same paper bag, a small note says:

_Tutoy told me you drank with him yesterday.  
I cooked some laksa for you and him for hangover.  
If only soup can heal wounds and open hearts, no?  
I apologize for not teaching him how to show the right way to love people.  
He loves you.  
We love you.  
\- Mama P_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT PROOFREAD AS USUAL
> 
> send me your feels through the comments or tweets or DMs (@__jonginnie ((yes 2 underscores))


	4. All Too Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DIDNT PROOFREAD THIS! PLS READ WITH AN OPEN MIND??? 
> 
> hit me up through COMMENTS (PLS), TWEETS, and/or DM.   
> TWITTER: @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores)

Chapter 4: All Too Well

-




“I mean si Benedict for sure.” Caleb is sipping on his red bull when he’s asked who among his barkada did he think was the cutest among all of them. He’s in his M102 class, letting his classmates leech off of his homework. “Bakit? May type ka ba don? Ilalakad kita. Wag lang si Ben. Baby pa yun eh.”

Caleb Chanyeol Park was Block 1’s representative for numerous reasons-- he was charming, a people-person, but most of all, a great salesman. Take for example, the number of times he sells his college barkada to his classmates in any of his GenEd subjects.

Not only was he smart enough that people wanted to stick with him for group projects, he was incredible at presenting his friends for potential boyfriends and girlfriends. _I should be a writer,_ he thinks.

“Si Jongin na lang.” His classmates answered. “Or si Sehun.”

“Si Sehun na lang.” Caleb reaches for the Nova chips in his bag and pulls it open. “Lagot tayo kay Kyungsoo eh.”

-




Caleb is laying down on Benedict’s lap when Kyungsoo spots them in the food court. They were supposed to conceptualize for a short film but Caleb was two hours late so all of his friends decided to eat lunch elsewhere.

“Anong petsa na, Caleb Park.” Kyungsoo flicks his forehead before sitting on the chair across them. “Buti na lang may baon ‘tong si Ben. Kumain ka na ba?”

“Kinain yung baon ko, syempre.” Benedict chuckles, running his fingers through Caleb’s hair. “Patay ka kay Jun. Kanina pa napipikon ‘yon kakaintay sayo. Bakit ka ba late?”

“Na-stranded kasi si Nana sa UST. Sinundo ko pa.”

The fingers stop combing and Caleb groans. He reaches for Benedict’s hand and puts it back on top of his head.

“Kamot.” He demands.

He ends up falling asleep and wakes up to an earful from Junmyeon (but not about being late. For eating Benedict’s baon).

-

2014.

“Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayo na kumain ka on time?” Caleb is thirty minutes in his lecture (read: homily, as per Sehun) to a confined-Benedict. “Tsaka di ba sinabi ko naman sayo, if mag OT ka sa OJT mo, pwede ka tumawag sakin? Same lang tayo ng stree--”

“Caleb, tama n--”

“Hindi pa ako tapos.” A very serious Caleb comes once in a blue moon. Even their oldest friend, Minseok, can’t tell serious Caleb what to do. Especially not when the baby in the barkada also known as his best friend, faints from dehydration in a very public place like the LRT. “Hindi ka ba kumakain? Pag tinanong ko si Manang Annie tapos di ka na kumakain, nako ka talaga.”

“Kumain na tayo. Tama na--” Junmyeon tries to but in but he stops when a glare is sent his way. “Okay, go.”

“Kayo naman, bakit hindi kayo tumawag kaagad? Kay tita ko pa malalaman na puntahan si Benedict dito.”

“Ako nga kasi nagsabi na wag na.” Benedict groans, slouching down on his bed. Honestly, Caleb was making his headache worse. “Didn’t you say na anniversary nyo ni--”

“Tanginang yan.” Caleb groans, scratching his head in frustration. “Walang kahit anong excuse. Pag hindi ka okay, alam mo naman na isang tawag mo lang, pupuntahan kita eh. Alam mo namang pipiliin ka naming lahat dito tapos--”

“Eh kasi, alam ko naman na importante--”

“Assume ka ng assume. Sa susunod, mag tanong ka.”

Caleb pulls the side table to benedict and places a bowl of hot soup and a bottle of water in front of him. Benedict wants to protest just for the heck of it. But, when he sees a teary Caleb, he slowly gets up and eats his soup. All of his friends end up sleeping in his small hospital room. Except Caleb.

Caleb was up and about, ready for whatever he might need.

“Sorry for worrying you.” Benedict finally says, back turned towards Caleb, peeing at 3 in the morning. His dextrose is standing next to him while Caleb is leaning on the washroom’s door frame. When he finishes, he washes his hand and heads out.

Caleb puts his arm around Benedict and kisses the top of his head.

“Don’t do that again, okay?”

-




“I didn’t forget about your birthday.” is the first thing Caleb says when he enters Benedict’s condo, 3 hours late to their small party. “Nag away lang kami and shit. Sorry.”

Benedict doesn’t say anything. He just points to the plate with some pasta and chicken.

Later that night, he joined Jongin who was cleaning the plates as a birthday gift to Benedict.

“We know you’re in love with Nana and all.” Jongin starts, handing him the newly rinsed plate. “But it’s Bennie’s birthday. The last one na magkakasama siguro tayo. Next year, who knows where we’ll all be?”

“Kasi--”

“Save it, Caleb.” Jongin chuckled. “It’s just a reminder. Last year na natin ‘to as students and as free people na pwede uminom anytime of the day. Pwede mo namang isama si Nana eh. But stop breaking our hearts, will you? Lalo na ni Bennie.”

-




Caleb wakes up to somebody knocking on his door aggressively. He prays to God for it to stop anytime soon but it doesn’t. It only gets louder. Just then, he hears his door swing open, followed by angry footsteps to his room. He tries his best to sit-up quickly just in case the guy has a gun to his head.

“Totoo ba yung nakita ni Jongdae sa CCTV?” It’s Yixing in his work outfit-- a complete suit and an adult suitcase--fuming angrily at a very sleepy and hungover Caleb. “Tanginang ‘yan. Di ba kinausap ka na ni Jun?”

“Ano bang sinasabi mo?”

“You and Benedict. Jongdae was checking who bumped into his car but lo, and behold, and nakita niya ay kayong dalawa fucking in Benedict’s car. Or so that’s what it looks like.”

“And--” Caleb rubs his eyes awake. He can feel his heart beating fast in his chest and the adrenaline reaching his head. Yixing was just one of the few people in his life whom he has never seen angry but by the looks of the man turning red in front of him, he thinks that it’s true-- there’s a first time for everything. “Did you ask Benedict? Hinatid ko lang naman siya kahapon.”

“Putang inang ‘yan. Wag mo ‘kong gagawing tanga, Caleb. Sinasabi ko sa’yo.” Yixing warns. “Alam ko sabi ko sayo last week na maghanap ka ng iba to get over Nana but tangina, wag naman si Benedict. Alam mo naman fragile ‘yung batang--”

“Eh hindi naman na bata si Ben.” Caleb retorts. “Kung tutuusin mas matanda pa siya kina Jongin at Sehun.”

“But he’s our ba--”

“But he’s a grown man, Xing.” Caleb sighs. “And I’m not using him. We both agreed to no strings attached. What’s so wrong with it?”

Yixing, unsure of how to react to the information given to him, picks up a shirt on the floor to throw at Caleb.

“Everything.”

-




“Are you guys dating?” Jongdae asks, placing a cup of Starbucks in front of Caleb. Both of them were waiting for Benedict to finish his class. “You’ve been at it for a year. Honestly, akala namin, tapos na kayo ng six months. But you even went to Palawan with his family. So?”

“I went to Hong Kong with _your_ family.” Caleb answers. “Wag mong lagyan ng malisya.”

“All of you went to Hong Kong with my family.”

“Same thing.” Caleb shrugs. “We’re friends.”

“But you like him.”

Caleb thinks for a moment. Then, he shrugs.

“Maybe.”

“Are you gonna officially ask him out?”

“Do I have to? Nafefeel ko naman na nasa same page kami. Plus, with law school, he needs all the time that he needs. Di ko naman sya minamadali and I could use some more time to get used to seeing Benedict in a new light.”

“Excuses.”

“Dae, wag kang magalala. Hindi kami katulad niyo ni Sehun na duwag.”

-

2018

“Do you even love me as more than a friend or is it just my company that you’re after?” Benedict is picking on the steak in front of him. Today was a bad day for him. He couldn’t answer two of his recitations and he had a ton shit of readings that he had to do tonight. He called Caleb crying so the latter picked him up from work and drove them to Caleb’s condo to have some dinner.

His eyes were swollen and his bottom lip couldn’t help but jut out. It was as if anytime, he was about to start to cry. Caleb didn’t really know what to do but offer him his favorite foods. From time to time, Benedict would come home to him like this-- sad, stressed, and borderline depressed. Law school sometimes took a toll on his body whether he admitted it or not.

“Masaya naman tayo di ba?” He answered, slicing a piece of his steak to put on Benedict’s plate. “I like having you around. But babe, you shouldn’t think about this for now. May finals ka di ba? Tas iiyak nanaman ang baby kapag napuyat.”

Caleb laughs.

Benedict doesn’t.

-




“Not everything is based on face value.” Caleb’s dad says. He pours his only son some whisky before pouring himself some. “Wag kang gumaya sakin. I never read between the lines. I just did what your mom told me to.”

_Why?_

“Because I wanted her to be happy.”

_And doing what she told you to didn’t make her happy?_

“A relationship is also about hearing things that the other person isn’t saying.” His dad takes a sip from his glass and points to the ice by Caleb. “We can’t always take things by face value kasi lahat naman tayo napapagod. Kaya lang, late ko na narealize ‘yon. Your mom needed a partner but what she had was an adult son in the form of me.”

_It’s been years. Do you and mom talk about it?_

“I apologized to her siguro shortly after I met your Tita Kylie. I told her that I finally learned how to listen. Not just to hear things but to _listen._ ”

_I’m sure she found it funny._

“She did but she also apologized for always trying to look for the things I couldn’t give.” Caleb’s dad looks exactly like an older version of him. Big eyes, same placement of the dimple, same side-swept hair. They even have the same stance as they drink some whisky-- legs crossed,arms to the side, and the same longing on their faces.

The only difference was that his dad knew exactly what Benedict was looking for. But, Caleb didn’t.

“He said he needed some time to grow, huh?” His dad chuckled. “And what do you think about that?”

“Na wrong timing kami.”

“Really?”

“I wanted him to be happy. In my head, I just did what I think would be best for him-- he needed space, I gave him space. I just didn’t think he would go so far where I couldn’t reach him.”

“Or baka naman kasi gusto niyang ma-affirm?”

“Ayaw ni Benedict ng cheesy stuff, dad.”

“Then why would he even ask kung ano kayo kung ayaw nyang marinig na mahal mo siya?”

“Well, he’s pretty straightforward.” Caleb explains, trying to rationalize the idea of Benedict in his head. “If he needs something, sasabihin nya. Kaya nga nag abogado ‘yun. Gusto nun isang tanong at isang sagot. Alam niyang mahal ko siya kasi kung hindi, he would’ve asked.”

“Anak, you thought that asking _ano ba tayo_ was just as is.”

“We weren’t ever official, dad. So, I have a hunch.”

There’s a questionable silence that wraps both the senior and junior Parks. The former can’t believe that out of all the things his son could get from him, it had to be his inability to read between the lines; to look further; to look within which was incredibly ironic since he turned out to become a great writer. He wonders how someone so imaginative could end up taking his actual, real-life in face value?

“And maybe I didn’t make him feel like I loved him enough.” He cracks the silence with thoughts of where he could have possibly gone wrong. In between picking him up from school, taking him out on dates, making sure he’s eating and sleeping, taking him to Sunday mass, bringing him to family dinners, and every other thing he tried to do that he didn’t in his past relationship--where could he have possibly gone wrong?

“I told my ex I love her every day and look where it got me.” He adds. “Did I miss anything by showing him instead of saying it all the fucking time? Wouldn’t it lose its value if I said it 24/7?”

“Pero paano kung yun ‘yung gustong marinig ni Benedict?”

Caleb shakes his head. His Benedict wasn’t someone who beat around the bush. That, he knew for sure.

There’s a version of Benedict in his head that fits his entire ideal. He was someone who Caleb didn’t have to explain things to because he just knew and he’d like to think that it went both ways. He showed his love through acts of service.

His dad thinks sometimes Caleb forgets that the entire world isn’t like him.

-

2020.

“Just back-off Benedict, man.” Yixing laughs, taking a bite of his mashed potatoes. “Ang awkward nyo nung nagbreak--”

“He ghosted me.”

“He didn’t ghost you.” Yixing points his fork at him.

“Is that what he said?”

Yixing purses his lips and shrugs. There’s a lot his friends don’t talk around him. Especially things about Benedict. At first, Caleb felt betrayed about knowing and feeling that his entire friendship circle’s thoughts about him were nothing short of negative. No one really asked him to explain.

No one really asked him. Period.

“Bahala kayo.” Caleb brushes it off. “So, kilala mo yung Eric?”

Yixing stops slicing his chicken mid-way as if calculating

His next moves and words.

“What about him?”

“Na ex siya ni Benedict?”

_Another pause._

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 10:11AM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

Hi, Sir Cal.

I checked in with Atty. Byun early today to ask when he’s available for a photo shoot. He gave the following dates for your perusal:

  * September 9, 2020, 9AM
  * September 12, 2020, 3PM
  * September 17, 2020, 9AM



He also clarified that he’d probably only have two hours from the starting times he suggested. Please let me know so I can get back to him within the day.   
  


Thank you.

Regards,   
Mark

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 12:30PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

I’m available on all 3 dates. Have Jinyoung do the shoot. Keep me posted.

Thanks

Caleb

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>  
cc: Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 1:05PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

Hi, Sir Caleb.

Sir Jinyoung is suggesting we have them on September 9. However, he’s available only after 12. I checked in with Atty. Byun and he said he’s unavailable in the afternoon. Sir Jinyoung will also be out of town in the other two dates.

Please advise.

Thank you.

Regards,  
Mark

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>  
cc: Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 1:15PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

Jinyoung,

Free up your 9AM.

Mark,

Schedule September 9, 2020 at 9AM with Atty. Byun. Also confirm if he needs a car, food restrictions, etc. Loop me in all Atty. Byun-related emails.

Thanks,

Caleb

-

**from: Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>**

**to: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com; Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 1:35PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

I have another shoot in the morning.

Jinyoung

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>  
cc: Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 1:35PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

Jinyoung,

Remember Anilao circa 2018?

Caleb

-

**from: Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>**

**to: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com; Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 1:48PM**

**subject: PHOTO SHOOT DATE: OCTOBER BENEDICT BYUN**

See you on September 9, 2020. 9AM.

Jinyoung

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Benedict Baekhyun Byun <attybyun@gmail.com>   
cc: Jinyoung Park JYP@outlook.com; Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 3:00PM**

**subject: FINAL SHOOT DATE: BB_BYUN**

Good day, Atty. Byun! 

As discussed on the phone a while ago, we’re excited to have you in the office on the 9th of September 2020, 9:00AM for your photo shoot with Wallows.

I looped in our EIC, Mr. Caleb Park, and our head photographer, Mr. Jinyoung Park.

I’d also like to ask if I can get in touch with your assistant for updates, etc. for September 9th?

Thanks, again!

Regards,  
Mark

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>**

**to: Benedict Baekhyun Byun <attybyun@gmail.com>**

**cc: Jinyoung Park JYP@outlook.com; Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>**

**date: Sept. 7, 2020, 3:10PM**

**subject: FINAL SHOOT DATE: BB_BYUN**

Hi, Mark.

It was nice speaking on the phone with you. Noted on everything. I also don’t have an assistant… haha. Let me know if there’s anything I need to bring or anything I else I need help with (EVEN WORK-RELATED. IF YOUR BOSS IS HORRIBLE.)

You can get in touch with Caleb if you need to know anything urgent. I’ll be out of town today and I might be a little hard to reach due to the signal.

Thanks as well!

Caleb,

Take it easy on Mark. Let me know if you need anything.

Best,

Benedict

-

Every story has a beginning, middle, and end. For a lot of people, it happens in order. For Caleb, it happened in reverse. Everything ended before he went back to the middle part—friends. The beginning? He doesn’t even know where the hell to start.

So he finds himself outside Benedict’s childhood home, holding a bottle of Emperador Brandy for _tito,_ and a bouquet of flowers for his _tita._ He remembers barging in the house unannounced as a college student and even as Benedict’s friends before he became this hot-shot lawyer. He remembers meaningful looks and secret kisses. He also remembers awkward silences and weird facades in front Benedict’s parents.

It seems that the house witnessed the end and the middle of their story—all the good and bad parts and now he’s here again. Re-opening chapters until he gets to the first part. He predicts how this chapter will go—he’ll surprise them and his tito will jump up from his chair to receiver his gift. He’ll open it immediately and give Caleb a glass for himself. His tita will kiss him all over his face and then she’ll hurriedly run to the kitchen to arrange the flowers. If Benedict’s brother is here, he’ll ruffle Caleb’s hair and tell him, _kailan tayo mag bowling?_ And then shortly after, his two kids—Ben’s nephew and niece—will cling to his leg and ask him to play with them.

He checks himself out one last time in the mirror of his car and then he heads in.

It was as if the entire universe adjusted for him because in true Caleb fashion—late, quietly painful, and unpredictable—, he sees a happy Byun family with a new visitor taking his spot in the dining table—North East right next to Benedict.

“Nasa area lang po ako.” He explains, as if the City boy has any business in the rural side of the world. “Aalis na rin po ako. Medyo masama po kasi yung pakiramdam ko. Napadaan lang po talaga. Ito po, gift. Sige po. Una na po ako, tito, tita, kuya, Ben, and—“

He finds himself squeezing between Eric and Benedict in the humble dining table, plate being filled with tonight’s dinner. Everything feels familiar but he’s quite sure that everything’s different.

He can see it in the way that Benedict’s nephew is sitting on top of Eric’s lap, talking about some random toy he saw in a video online. In the way that Benedict’s mom took out the visitor’s silverware for Eric; in the way Benedict is pouring water for himself and then for his ‘friend’ before handing the pitcher to him; in the way that Benedict’s dad opens the fancy bottle of wine from his “paboritong abogado bukod kay Ben” before the Emperador light.

But he was still there, in the same chair, just in a different location, watching Benedict’s _new_ life pass by his very own eyes.

“See you on the 9th pala.” Benedict casually tells him as they both load the plates in the sink. The helper’s just taking a washroom break and both of Benedict’s parents are in the porch with their grandkids, older son, and Eric. “Also, naalala ko nag linis kasi akong kwarto kanina and I saw your jersey and some other shirts. You wanna check them out?”

Check out the last pieces of things that hold them together as the _old_ Caleb and Benedict? He fakes a chuckle and shakes his head.

“Sayo na ‘yun. Memories.”

Benedict half nods. He was hoping he could send back all the things he claimed to be his years ago. Plus, it was additional clutter in his room. Just then, he remembers sliding a photo in the back of his pocket before dinner. He wanted to bring it to his photo shoot later in the week to give back to Caleb too.

“Oh, ito na lang. Saw this in my corkboard. Ayaw na nga pakawalan eh.” He fishes the Polaroid from his back pocket and hands it to Caleb.

There’s a messy scribble (read: very ugly handwriting) under the polaroid from 2012 when they were just a year in as a barkada. The Instax camera was a new thing then. Junmyeon brought it to college week and was bragging about it the whole time. To prove a _very unamused_ Caleb that it was the _greatest camera of all time,_ he snaps a photo of a very busy Benedict and a Caleb—in the middle of the hallway of Arts and Sciences, both clad in white shirts, all while sporting a peace sign. Benedict doesn’t look like he has aged one bit.

The huge Rayban glasses with no lenses that he was wearing was Benedict’s and he still has it in the bottom drawer of his office. The jacket though, he wonders if Benedict kept it.

“Nasa box din ‘yung jacket na ‘yan. Last offer before we go out, ayaw mo talaga?”

Caleb’s eyes are still fixed on the Polaroid. Man, the things he wanted to tell 2012-Caleb. He feels a slight pang in his chest at the memories the photo brings and at the man in front of him, still waiting for an answer.

“We were happy, weren’t we?” He asks, more to himself than to anyone. His voice almost at a whisper. “Sabi ko mag autograph ako in case sumikat ako but look where we are now. You’re the hottest bachelor in the country.”

_Thanks for always waiting, Bennie! Merry Christmas! Love you! – Caleb_

“Naalala mo pa ‘yun?” Benedict chuckles.

“Yeah.”

They spend a few more seconds in silence before he feels a hand on top of his head. He looks down to see Benedict looking at him— _he knows, of course he does—_ with the same nostalgic smile and the same sad eyes.

“Mauna na ‘ko ha? Sunod ka na lang. Bring a pitcher.”

Caleb slips the photo in his polo shirt’s front pocket before heading to the fridge to take out a pitcher but he drops it as he bows to the level of the fridge. Just then, the helper comes in and picks it up from him.

“Bata pa kayo dito ah!” She gushes. “Alam mo ‘nak, akala ko talaga kayo ni Bunsoy. Pero bigla na lang nagpakilala nung si Eric. Naku, sayang. Tingnan mo oh, bagay na bagay kayo ni bunsoy. O, itago mo.” She slips it in the front pocket of his jeans, this time. “Ingatan mo. Mga alalaala na lang ang hindi nagbabago para parati ka rin may babalik-balikan.”

“Salamat, ate Beng.” He smiles, patting his pocket as he stands up. He was about to walk out but he pauses to ask, “Ate, matagal ba niyang naging boyfriend si Eric?”

“Mga isang taon yata. Tapos nanliligaw yata ulit ngayon pero pakipot kasi ‘yang si bunsoy. Baka pwede mo pa unahan.” She laughs, winking even.

“Ate Beng naman. Dun tayo sa kung saan masaya si Bennie.”

“Masaya.” She repeats, tying the apron to herself. “Tagal ko ng di nakikitang tumatawa ‘yan si bunsoy simula nung naka-graduate ‘yan sa pag-aabogasya. Minsan parang mas okay na lang nung bata-bata pa kayo tapos lasing lang kayo umuuwi tas mag eexam pa.”

_Oo nga, ate Beng. Sana nga. Kaso hindi swak eh. Nagkamali po kami. Nagkamali po ako._

“Oo nga po eh. Tanda ko po ‘yun. Siyam kami dito sa sala na nakahiga at nagsusuka.”

Ate Beng outright cackles.

“Bigla akong nagka-siyam na anak.” She shakes her head, remembering even the tiniest details of each boy pukin in the Byun living room. “Minsan naandito din ‘yung mga yun kahit wala si Bunsoy. Nakikilunch lang.”

Caleb nods, he has so many things to ask but he doesn’t find the voice to help him to. He said his goodbyes but ate Beng calls him back.

“Leb.” She wipes her hands on the side of his apron, all of a sudden turning serious. “Mahal ka nun ni bunsoy. Hindi ko lang alam kung anong nangyari sainyo at nagbago pero sigurado ako, mahal ka nun.”

“Kaya lang ate—“

“Oo naman, alam ko naman.” She smiles. “May mga bagay talagang hindi para sa atin. Huwag kang mag-alala, inaalagan siyang maigi nung si Eric. Mabait na bata. Maalaga.”

“Mabuti naman po.”

“Kaya lang hindi siya si Caleb.” There’s a sad smile that reflects his that appears on ate Beng’s face. “Pero siguro ganun nga talaga. May mga taong pinagtatagpo lang para magsilbing aral lang. ‘Leb, wag mo mamasamaiin ha? Love mo naman si ate Beng. Matagal na kitang bunso rin.”

“Oo naman, ate.”

“Be happy na rin, utoy.” She says. The pang in his chest a while ago, engulfs his entire abdomen. He feels warm, sad, and heartbroken. There’s not pity in ate Beng’s eyes but there’s an unexplainable loneliness _for_ him. “Pwede ka na mag move on. May mag aalaga na kay Bunsoy.”

It’s the first time in years that somebody told Caleb straight up anything about Benedict. A lot of anything Benedict-related was always beaten around the bush, always in between lines, always in words that mean one thing to him and another to someone else. On one hand, he thinks people are doing it to not hurt him (or so he thinks) but sometimes he knows that the entire world has moved on from whoever he was in Caleb’s life and they weren’t going to come back no matter how long and hard he pretends that everything is and will be the same.

“Okay, ate Beng.” _Okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DIDNT PROOFREAD THIS! PLS READ WITH AN OPEN MIND??? 
> 
> hit me up through COMMENTS (PLS), TWEETS, and/or DM.   
> TWITTER: @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores)


	5. Out Of The Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benedict wondered when they could get out of the woods. He didn't know it would be in their college tambayan, on a weekday, way past their bed-time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This made a lot of sense to me. I hope it's the same for you as well.
> 
> Slightly proofread. SLIGHTLY. 
> 
> Let me know what you think through comments and/or DMs and/or tweets (@__jonginnie, yes TWO underscores)

**Chapter 5: Out of the Woods**

  
**from: Caleb C. Park CCPark@wallowsdigital.com  
to: Mark Minhyung Lee <MMLee@wallowsdigital.com>; Jinyoung Park <JYP@outlook.com>  
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 3:45AM  
subject: URGENT**

Mark,

I’ll be taking the week off. Take the lead in Atty. Byun’s photo-shoot. Oversee the shoot and give him everything he needs.

If you can get sitners worth at least 4 plugs for promos, that would be great. If he allows a short on-cam spiel, even better. However, don’t force it. Just get clips behind the scenes.

Text me if you need anything (If you REALLY need anything).

Jinyoung,

Ikaw na bahala. Call me if anything comes up.

Thanks,  
Caleb

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com  
to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>; Jinyoung Park JYP@outlook.com  
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 6:30AM  
subject: URGENT**

Hi, Sir Caleb.

I’ll keep you posted.

Noted on the week-long leave. Will update HR.

Thank you.

Regards,  
Mark

-

The glaring lights and the flashing camera was a little too overbearing for Benedict. Even the brown, wool trench coat that the wardrobe team made him wear was becoming too heavy and uncomfortable but in true Benedict fashion, he keeps his mouth tight shut and carries on.

He attempts to run a hand through his hair but he remembers the hair spray so generously sprayed on him this morning that he pulls his hand back down. Instead, he slips his hand in his pocket and attempts another version of “fierce”. He leans back on the block slash chair prop for him and tilts his head to the side. There’s a group of people watching him like a circus animal behind the photographer. Some are gushing, some are taking photos on their phones, and some are just gawking. If Benedict was going to be honest, this was the last place he wanted to be in. Show business for him has and will always be vain and the group of people who swarms him for a makeup retouch and a change of coat proves him right. How can one find joy in being a public mannequin?

But he smiles and thanks them. He even asks them about their day and if this is the last thing they’ll do today. He apologizes for being a rookie and that he hopes that at least one photo comes out well. They all coo at him and playfully hit him on the arm. A chorus of “ang gwapo mo kaya, attorney” and “naku, attorney, sobrang cute” echo in his ears. The compliments make him even more nervous. His eyes scan the studio for a familiar presence to keep him sane.

Mark waves at him with a cup of coffee in his hand. From the beginning of the shoot up to now, the EIC’s Executive Assistant was attentively catering to his every need and move. Perhaps, he could sense the apprehension and the anxiety bubbling in Benedict’s. He would ramble on and on to try to make him feel at ease that by the end of their briefing, he learned that Mark was a fresh graduate with barely a year in Wallows. Twenty two. Benedict remembers what he was doing at twenty-two-- Caleb and Law School. They talked a lot about the latter—how Mark also wanted to try entering law school once he reaches a year at work but he doesn’t mention the former. In fact, no one has mentioned the former since he came in. He was beginning to wonder if the boss doesn’t really join photo shoots—if that was a job for the lower ranks rather than him. But even so, is Benedict not an exception?

“Attorney, wala na pong latte sa Starbucks so I got you one form Tim Hortons. I hope that’s okay?” Mark hands him a cup and immediately puts his hand under Benedict’s chin. “Baka po matapunan yung damit. Should I get you a straw?”

“A straw for a hot beverage?” Benedict chuckles. This boy and his weird ideas. He was beginning to feel old in a way since he started talking to Mark. “Ganyan ka ba sa boss mo? Sabihin mo wag siyang maarte.”

“Iced po ‘yun lagi eh.” There’s innocence in his reply. Perhaps because he doesn’t really know that Benedict was insinuating for him to talk about Caleb-- how he is and where the fuck he is. “May need pa po ba kayo? Sabihan ko po si Sir Jinyoung na hanggang 12 lang po kayo.”

“Uy, wag na.” He grabs Mark’s arm before he could rush. “From what I’ve heard may 2 pa daw na dami. Okay lang. I can adjust.”

“Naku, attorney. Hindi. We’ll follow your schedule. Kasalanan naman namin bakit na-late.”

Benedict shakes his head, adamant. He would much rather be the one adjusting to things and people than the other way around. When he scans the room, he can see everyone putting in the extra effort for him and he can’t just dismiss that just because he needs to go. He can definitely adjust the client meeting to 4pm.

“It’s okay.” He assures him but he still sees the distress in his face. “I have nothing naman ng after lunch. Basta siguro tapos na tayo ng 2 kasi may meeting ako ng 4.”

“Buti na lang wala si Sir Caleb.” Mark sighs. “He would kill us if we went beyond schedule with a client.”

So, nasaan na nga ba ‘yang si Caleb? He wants to ask. But instead he goes, “Bakit naman? What if something inevitable happens? Like the light breaks parang kanina?”

Mark shrugs. “His thing is all about respecting the client’s time. Which is sobrang ironic because more often than not, laging late yun but even if he is, he doesn’t force us to wait for him. He tells us to carry on. I think it’s about respecting the time of the client kahit gaano pa ka-late, you have to respect their next schedule and their decision to give you a portion of their time so wag na mag ask for more.”

“Sounds like a good boss.”

 _Time._ It was the most consistent thing that he hated about Caleb and it’s not like the entire world doesn’t know this about him. It’s literally a character trait at this point but he has never looked at it from a perspective like Mark’s. Caleb has never extended his time or forced him to stay longer whenever he was late and even in days where he would only be ten minutes late, he still wouldn’t extend. Instead, he would follow Benedict’s time and even remind him, _“Hey, don’t you have this and that in an hour?”._

Caleb knew his hatred for repeated apologies and lengthy explanations. He always demanded short and straight to the point reasons. But Caleb was a writer. He would lose track of what he was really saying and go on and on so instead, Caleb just doesn’t say anything.

He realized now, that maybe that was Caleb’s way of apologizing—making sure that he was still following his own schedule because that was what made him happy. In retrospect, Caleb, in his own way, tried to make him happy.

He shakes his head--no. It’s not really the time to think about Caleb’s redeeming qualities.

“He is.” Mark agrees. “But he’s like a sad, old man.”

“A sad--” He wanted to ask how the preppy and trendy Caleb was sad and old. He didn’t think those two were two accurate things to describe his friend but the photographer calls him to stand in his mark again and before he knew it, the people around him were gone and he was alone on the layout again

-

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:07PM **  
**We have to celebrate because it’s your first shoot!

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:08AM **  
**Talagang ikaw nagtext kasi alam nila na if it’s  
the others, I’ll say no. Haha.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:08PM **  
**8PM at Yakitori Bar?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:09PM **  
**Sure. I just finished **t** he shoot. Lunch lang ako **  
**Then I have to head to BGC.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:09PM **  
**Just now?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:10PM **  
**Yup. Lol. Hopefully, my **c** ar flies from   
QC to BGC in 30 mins.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:10PM  
Seryoso? Caleb told me you’ll finish at 12 max.   
He told your crew daw. Nako.   
Drive safe. Call ko Caleb.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:11PM **  
**Wag baka paginitan pa staff niya. Ako nagsabi **  
**na okay lang to exceed.

 **BENEDICT BYUN**  
2:15PM  
How did you know na may cut-off

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:18PM  
I was talking to him kanina.   
Naka-leave daw siya eh kasi  
may lalakarin.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:19PM  
Yeah haha I thought he was gonna drop by.  
I was a little scared.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:20PM  
You would have complained if  
he dropped by hahaha

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:20PM  
Maybe lol

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:20PM  
He still feels bad for barging into your  
house 2 days ago. Awayin mo na lang  
mamaya.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 2:23PM  
I have to do a case study pa so I’m  
going home na at 10 ha.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 2:24PM  
Got it. Eat and drive safe.

-

Benedict doesn’t know how Wallows Digital did it but even he thinks that his photos turned out well. He invited the entire team to have lunch at the Subway across their office with one of the editors sorting through the raw materials while eating. Benedict, curious and a little embarrass, takes a sneak peek. It’s a large team of twenty—a team of 5 stylists, 2 makeup artists, 1 hair stylist, a team of 5 from the photographer’s end, a writer, a videographer, executive assistants, production assistants—and Benedict still can’t wrap his head around the fact that almost all of them report back to Caleb.

It’s a totally new person—the Caleb they’re describing. In fact, only Mark calls him Sir Caleb. The rest refers to him through his initials—CCP—what seems like the most professional nickname. In his head, Caleb was the messy blockmate who was late to everything and who almost always didn’t study but was always a dean’s lister. He was a man who relied solely on luck—who didn’t work hard because everything seemed to fall on his lap perfectly.

To him, Caleb was the most irresponsible, most annoying, most self-centred conceited motherfucker who broke his heart.

“So, friends po pala kayo ni Sir Caleb.” Mark bites into his sandwich. In the last eight hours that he spent with this kid, he’s grown fond of him which is funny because Benedict is the last person to welcome anyone in his space but here he is now, squeezed against Mark in a small booth in Subway. “Kaya naman pala po napa-oo kayo sa feature.”

“Yeah, we met in college.”

There’s a production assistant who butts in and goes,

“Attorney, last call. Babayaran po namin ‘tong lunch? Kasi iniiwan naman po ni CCP yung card niya.”

“Company card?” He asks, handing the stack of tissues next to him to the younger kids.

“No, his card po.” Mark takes out the card from his pocket which he recognizes to be Caleb’s immediately. "Ayaw nun na ginagamit yung company card kasi natitipid daw yung team so he just leaves this.”

“He leaves his cards everywhere.” Benedict laughs, taking out his wallet to fish another of Caleb’s debit card. “See? And now, my treat. You guys have been so kind to me today kahit wala akong alam.”

“Natural ka naman po sa camera.” Another production assistant who he remembers to be Ten smiles. “Thank you rin po kasi pinayagan nyo kami mag exceed sa time. If andito si CCP, patay kami don. Nagpapa wrap up na yun ng 11:30.”

“Pag pinagalitan kayo, sabihan nyo ako kaagad, ha? Just tell him ako ang nag insist. If he has qualms about it, Mark can get in touch with me tas ako magagalit don.”

The production assistants’ high-five each other and even Mark makes a face as if _wow, we have a back-up._

“Di pa naman matago ni CCP pag naiinis siya.” Ten chuckles, shaking his head. “Wala siyang matago. Love life lang niya yata yung di namin alam.”

“True.” Mark agrees. “Everything else he’s open. Love life, wuma-walk out ‘yan.”

“Except for that one time sa shoot sa Batangas with Kathniel, remember? Naka-inom siya slight tapos we asked pero unrequited lang sabi niya.”

“Tanga! Right love, wrong time ang sabi niya.” The quietest production assistant, Lucas, butts in. “Lasing ka na rin nun eh.”

“Right love, wrong time?” Benedict asks, intrigued. “Did he say kung sino?”

“He mentioned a name that I forgot pero—di ko maalala, lasing din ako.” Mark turns to his colleagues.

“Bacon?” Ten’s eyebrows are scrunched together, trying to figure out a name. “He called him Bacon or something. Di ba inasar pa natin siya the next day kasi bacon yung almusal pero di na siya nagsalita.”

“Oo, Bacon something.” Lucas agrees. “The tequila took over all of us but what I remember lang is that he said this Bacon person was the right love and wrong time. Something like he didn’t tell him or something.”

The kids turn silent, trying to rehash whatever happened in Batangas. Benedict too.

Because there’s only one person who fucks up his Korean name when he’s drunk.

“That sucks.” He breaks the silence with a bitter smile. He takes a sip of his coke and adds, “He should’ve told whoever that is. Tatanungin ko siya tapos balitaan ko kayo.”

The table erupts in cheers. Atty. Benedict Byun was definitely the coolest adult they’ve met in their adult life. They can’t wait to tell CCP in the morning.

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com  
to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>;   
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 5:30PM  
subject: URGENT**

Hi, Sir Caleb!  
  


We were able to get a lot of sitners and a couple of interviews on-cam. We also did a short recorded one that can be an additional to your write-up. We wanted to finish at 12 but there were still more layouts so we ended up finishing at 2pm.

All raw mats are in post-process as of now.

Will update.

Thank you!

Regards,  
Mark

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>;   
to: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com  
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 5:47PM  
subject: URGENT**

He has a client meeting in the afternoon. Why didn’t you let him go earlier?

Caleb

-

**from: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com  
to: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>;   
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 5:49PM  
subject: URGENT**

Hi, Sir Caleb.

He insisted, sir. The wardrobe refused to dress him but he argued his way through them and won.

Thank you.

Regards,  
Mark

-

**from: Caleb C. Park <CCPark@wallowsdigital.com>;   
to: Mark Minhyung Lee MMLee@wallowsdigital.com  
date: Sept. 9, 2020, 6:07PM  
subject: URGENT**

Okay. Send me previews by the end of the week. Create a writeup from your recorded interview and send it to me for revision. For tomorrow.

Clock out now. It’s been a long day for you.

Tell the team I said thank you. Good job.

Caleb

-

 **YIXING ZHANG  
8:10PM  
**Where are you? Bennie’s here.   
Magagalit nanaman ‘to late ka nanaman.

 **CALEB PARK  
8:11PM  
**Not going. Next time na lang.  
Kakagising ko lang baka super  
late na if ever. Go ahead.

 **YIXING ZHANG  
8:11PM  
**Wdym? You were 2 hours late  
to my birthday. Come na kahit  
dessert. It’s Bennie’s first photo  
shoot. Haha.

 **CALEB PARK  
8:12PM  
**Bawi ako.  
Enjoy, bro.

-

There’s a wall around Benedict that appears the moment Yixing announces that Caleb was going to pass on this particular dinner. It feels _too personal._ Like he did something wrong but he can’t quite figure it out yet. Benedict was pretty good at feeling things—thinking, gauging, and speaking. He knew how to act on his feelings and he almost always demands the same for the people around him. Especially those that he’s known for a while. He’s the grumble in the dinner table, demanding is friends to spit it out when there’s a problem brewing or a secret being kept. He likes to be articulate; for things to have an explanation. He didn’t fear answers or possible painful solutions because to Benedict, for as long as you can run through the facts and knew how to act on them, everything was going to be fine. Because facts with corresponding calculated actions result to being in the right.

And Benedict needed to always be right.

Maybe it’s the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe it’s always having the upper hand. Maybe it’s being able to predict the outcome and being right about them 99.99% of the time. It’s being able to prepare ten steps ahead because he has studied all aspects of it before it can fail. To him, there was no space to be wrong. Especially not him. There are moments when he realizes that his ideal isn’t the ideal for everyone and there are times when he recognizes people giving into him rather than putting up a fight for the argument but Benedict has gotten so used to asserting himself and constantly proving people _something_ that he sometimes forgets that he’s putting so much pressure on everyone to be perfect.

The world isn’t perfect.

Neither isn’t Benedict.

But give him enough time and he can prove you otherwise.

So he thinks he’s right to assume that Caleb is avoiding him for whatever reason. He missed out on his photo shoot which he set-up in the first place then he missed out on the dinner dedicated to him. Caleb never misses out anything Benedict-related. Even when they weren’t okay. _Especially then._ Caleb was always somewhere, behind him, beside him, everywhere trailing behind him but he was never away. No matter what the circumstances and no matter how hard he pushed him away. Caleb always wore a bright smile that always deceived his eyes, waving at him and making his presence known.

Caleb always knew—how to get him, how to please him, how to be the person for him. Benedict didn’t have to say anything and nor did he. He caved in to whatever Benedict wasn’t asking for and he gives whatever it is that Benedict is thinking. _It’s a soulmate thing,_ he thinks. But soulmates aren’t real and he can’t find enough resources to prove his theory right. So he drops it. Instead, he thinks it’s just their dynamic. People create their own dynamic the longer they spend time together. _Perhaps it’s telepathy._

So he closes his eyes and thinks— _Caleb, what the hell is wrong this time?_ And hopes it’ll get through him.

-

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:07PM  
Where are you?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:20PM  
Where are you?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:45PM  
Where are you?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:48PM  
Caleb.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 10:50PM  
Why?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:51PM  
Why are you avoiding me?

 **CALEB PARK  
** 10:52PM  
?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:53PM  
Last time you were avoiding me was when  
I yelled at you prior to the national case.  
What did I do this time?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:54PM  
Ano nga

 **CALEB PARK  
** 10:55PM  
Wala nga.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:55PM  
Use your words ano ba.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 10:56PM  
Dapat ikaw din.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 10:57PM  
Ano?

 **CALEB PARK  
** 10:59PM  
Wala.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:01PM  
I can’t guess whatever you’re thinking.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:02PM  
Same.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:03PM  
Ano

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:03PM  
Good night.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:05PM  
Where are you?

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:08PM  
Bakit ba

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:09PM  
May ginagawa ako

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:10PM  
Ang labo mo, alam mo ba ‘yon?

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:11PM  
Ikaw rin.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:12PM  
ANO BA

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:12PM  
Bat galit ka nanaman

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:13PM  
Hindi nga ako galit.  
Tinatapos ko yung write-up maghapon.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:14PM  
Bakit wala ka kanina

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:15PM  
Paulit ulit

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:16PM  
Di ka naman kasi sumasagot ng maayos.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:17PM  
Eh bakit ba bigla ka interesado  
Late ako nagising  
Ayoko na late pumunta don  
Magagalit ka lang rin naman

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:18PM  
Kailan ako nagalit na late ka

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:18PM  
Palagi

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:19PM  
Na nag wowork na tayo. Kailan  
ako nagalit na late ka now na   
nagwowork na tayo?

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:20PM  
Lagi. I feel it.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:21PM  
Luh assuming

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:22PM  
Naipaparating naman ng  
Death glares mo at ng pagdadabog mo  
palagi

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:23PM  
wag ka mag assume

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:34PM  
Ikaw din

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:35PM  
??????????

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:35PM  
Nasa lobby ako. Bumaba ka dito.

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:36PM  
Paano kung wala pala ako sa condo

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:37PM  
Nasaan ka nga

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:37PM  
Katip

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:38PM  
Saan nga

 **CALEB PARK  
** 11:43PM **  
**basta

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 11:45PM  
tanginang yan

-

The McDonad’s along Katipunan Avenue was the staple hangout place for all college kids who were either pulling an all-nighter, saving-up, or sobering themselves after a long, drunken night.

But it was also a staple for alumnas who are all three.

Caleb is in the farthest booth from the entrance, clad in his black hoodie, joggers, smelling like cheap gin, and looking like grim reaper. His laptop is opened in front him, playing the Top 10 funniest slipping videos of older people and children. He’s been out bar hopping by himself since 4 in the afternoon, after finishing the write-up for his magazine. By 10pm, he was smashed, vomiting on the side of the road. A group of sophomores helping him up and pulling his hoodie so he wouldn’t puke on it. He walks from Walrus to McDonald’s, a quick eight minute walk to sober himself up. All this time, he has his keys, wallet, phone, and laptop with him. Anyone who sees him can assume that he’s a college kid cramming finals and drinking on the side to keep him sane. Except he’s twenty-seven, barely making sense of his real life, and realizing wherever he is, is the last place that he wants to be in.

A chocolate fudge sundae and a bottle of water is placed angrily in front of him. The table bounces a little and the first thing he does is grab his laptop to save it from whatever. He’s ready to fight whoever the intruder is, nevermind that his speech is absolutely slurred and it takes a while for his eyes to focus, but when he looks up, he sees a dressed down Benedict, holding his own sundae and fries, slipping in the chair across him.

Taylor’s Swift blasts through a speaker, the group of students in the table ear them mouths an “o” and starts singing along. Caleb can barely make out what the song is but the loud bass increases the thump in his head but he can’t find the energy to complain or ask if they can turn it down.

“Are you drunk?” Benedict asks, taking a large scoop of his sundae. “You smell so bad. Paano ka uuwi?”

There’s too many questions so he answers the last one, “Grab.”

It’s oddly familiar—the sight in front of Benedict. The drunken state, the dark eye bags, the tired face, the flailing limbs, the lack of energy were something that was normal once in Caleb’s life. When the love of his life, Nana, decided to end things with him, he would often find him in the same state, in the same booth, in the same McDonald’s, even. Chocolate sundae always worked wonders, pulling him out of his drunken state and making him talk of what was bothering him. A lot of people don’t seem to know that more sweets make Caleb talk more rather than alcohol.

The same feelings capture him now—sadness and anxiety rolled into one. Always wondering and always thinking when they were going to run into the next problem; the next roadblock. For a time, he was just always on the side lines, ready to catch Caleb if he ever breaks again should anything remind him of Nana and when they levelled up their relationship into best friends with benefit, he was always anxious of when Caleb will leave— _when will he make sense of himself and leave Benedict?_

He was contemplating on holding onto the sad version of Caleb because that was what he was most familiar with. Anything out of that box was different and sent him spiralling in panic. When Caleb was slowly recovering whilst their agreement continued, his anxiety began to worsen. This man was his best friend in the whole world and he was in love with him. The worst thing he could do to Benedict was leave him.

What was he anyway except for the convenient friend who allowed him to be a waiting shed for a little bit of time until he was back to his old self again?

It was as if he was always coursing through a large, unknown, woods where it was dark and dangerous with Caleb but he and his anxiety got comfortable there. He knew his agreement with Caleb was fragile and when he can feel himself looking for more stability, he impulsively demanded it—engulfed in his fear and anxiety, he blew up demanding for an answer to the _millions_ of questions in his head.

When Caleb didn’t answer the way that he wanted to, he didn’t realize there was another floor of anxiety waiting to open. Right then and there, it opened, drowning his thoughts and clouding his feelings with an incredible amount of nerves. He was back in the deep-end of the woods but this time, his friend anxiety was not in his hand and he couldn’t control it. It engulfed him; it was all over him and before he could get use to the silence, anger came knocking in. Without any resistance, he let him in too.

Looking at Caleb now, Benedict realizes that he held onto so much except Caleb.

And that his anxiety and anger were really, deeply rooted in the fear of not knowing if he was right about his relationship with Caleb—that he was just a substitute; a friend; not even in the options.

“Is Eric not looking for you?” He hears Caleb ask. He starts eating the sundae in front of him and Benedict knows it’s only a matter of time until he gets something out of his friend.

“Why would he?”

He gets a shrug as a reply. Caleb shuts off his laptop and moves it to the side. He’s still slouched on his seat, eating his sundae mindlessly.

“Ito pa rin ba talaga ‘yung sad spot mo? Di mob a naalala si Nana dito?”

This time, Caleb shakes his head.

“I remember you buying me sundae every time though.” He raises his sundae to make a point. “Good times.”

“Good times?”

“You?” It was a rhetorical question, at least to Caleb. “Always. Naalala mo when you would go here in your scooter and we tried to ride it together pabalik sa dorm pero nasira.”

A fuzzy memory of two nineteen-year-olds trying to fit in a normal sized scooter enters Benedict’s head. Caleb was drunk then too but they were laughing as they both ended up on the pavement because the scooter was no way in hell going to fit both of them.

“Or when we tried all the sundae variations dito tapos sila ate na ‘yung sumuko kasi pang eight na ate nun tapos baka daw magsuka.” Caleb chuckles. “Kaya naman eh. Epal nila.”

“Nagsuka ka kaya pauwi.”

“Nalala mo pa?”

“Oo naman.”

Caleb scrunches his nose, a sad smile appearing on his face.

“I thought you forgot about them. You’re the kind of person who deletes all the bad stuff that happens to him.”

“That’s true.” Benedict agrees. “But those days were fun.”

“Were they?” Caleb scoops a spoonful of fudge and shoves it in his mouth. “Yixing told me you cried a lot. I find it hard to believe it was fun.”

Fuck Yixing Zhang for being so neutral between them.

“Some parts were fun.”

“You kept me sane.” Caleb hums. “Thanks for making it fun _for_ me. Like—like college, as in you were so cool. So organized and you were always there for me. And even post-college, you were—“

And this is exactly what Benedict knew what he was going to get. A talkative, emotional, and honest Caleb. Slightly drunk but high on sugar. Everything was the same except for the subject matter. It was never about them or about him. It was always about school, families, Nana.

His inner- _conyo_ was also starting to show. God knows how he and his friends tried to not speak that way around other people and it took some time. Caleb’s only shows when he was in this state. His shows when he’s relaxed which doesn’t happen so often.

“Post-college, you were so kind, man.” Caleb takes his time thinking if _kind_ was the right word to use. “You had such a big heart tapos halos ako lang yung pinagkakasya mo don and just, just, you’re the best. As in, thank you, Bennie. Cause even when I hurt you, kahit ang kulit ko pa rin, hinahayaan mo lang ako like you still allowed me to lurk in your life and I love that about you. Just, thank you.”

“Cale—“

“And sorry for fucking it up, dude.” Caleb seems to be talking to himself at this point. Gaze fixated at nowhere as he continuously eats his sundae. “Like fuck—as in di naman tayo mag aaway if I didn’t suggest the fuck buddies thing, like that’s so stupid. So fucking stupid. Tapos na hurt pa kita like—tangina, bobo ko sa part na ‘yun.”

Benedict offers a smile. It may take another thirty-minutes or so before he can butt in. These are things he _kind of_ knew but never really had the confirmation—if Caleb was truly sorry, if he knew that he hurt Benedict, if he ever made him happy--, they were just hearsays from the barkada. To hear them coming from Caleb’s mouth was something different. He didn’t expect it to be in the most mundane setting, in their most comfortable selves, and doing the thing they usually do.

“Do you regret it?” He manages to croak out.

“No.” Caleb shakes his head. “If I didn’t see you that way like if I didn’t you bare yourself to me, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you. Man, that was the greatest privilege of all. Imagine, out of all the men in the world, you allowed me to love you. I mean, I should’ve at least made it clear though, right? Kasi sabi ni Xing, I was so labo daw. I didn’t tell you I love you so you left. Eh tangina, ayaw mo nga ng flowers kasi cheesy, ganon pa kaya and like, if you told me to be cheesy, yun talaga una kong sasabihin. As in I love you, Bennie. Ganon talaga, as in kaso—“

The rest of the world turns silent and Benedict is gaping at the man in front of him with how casual he is, dumping this information to him with words he was longing to hear for _years._ He starts bouncing his leg as he feels his anxiety creep up and then down. Slowly simmering but never really blowing up. He wasn’t used to this. He hasn’t prepared a next step for when he hears this.

“Babe, I fucked up.” Caleb places his empty sundae cup on the table. He twists the water bottle cap open and takes a few gulps. “Royally. As in tangina. Excuse ba ‘yung naooverhwlem ako sayo kasi sobrang mahal kita? As in gusto ko talagang ibigay lahat sayo. New strategy. Kasi di nagwork yung I love you ako ng I love you sa una kong relationship so maybe sayo, actions but like, ang labo kasi talaga. Ang labo ko ha? Hindi ikaw. Labo ko, puta.”

“Tama na nga ‘yan. Inumin mo ‘yung tubig.” Benedict tells him, kicking him lightly on the leg. “Tapos uuwi na tayo. I’ll drive you.”

“You’re the best.” Caleb listens to him and takes a swig of his bottle. For the first time, he looks at Benedict—eyes filled with regret and questions—and says, “For what it’s worth, I really love you.”

-

They’re cleaning up their table when Caleb notices that Benedict is sniffing. Although still a little dizzy, he can tell from the slow shakes of his shoulders and the sniffs he’s trying to hide, that something was wrong. He places himself between the table and Benedict who was picking up the tissues on the table which startles the latter.

“Spill it, Bennie. We have to use our words, remember?” He whispers, ruffling Benedict’s hair. He pulls his hand back and crosses his arms, and waits for Benedict to lift his head up and talk.

“Why weren’t you in the shoot today?”

“I was writing.”

Caleb taps Benedict’s chin but he still resists looking at him. He pulls away again and waits.

“And why weren’t you at dinner?”

“I was,” He could say he was sleeping but he was also pretty smashed just an hour ago. “Drinking.”

“Why?”

“I felt like it.”

“Why didn’t you go,” Benedict’s voice quivers and Caleb can imagine when the pout will appear exactly. The sniffs increases and he doesn’t hide when he wipes the tears on his cheeks. Benedict resembles a little puppy being told off and Caleb has to hold himself back from cooing. “Why didn’t—Why did—Why—Why didn’t you tell me?”

_Ack._

There’s a punch that land square on his stomach but before he can fully focus on the pain, Benedict begins to cry and he’s more worried of the man slowly losing his strong façade in front of him. He grabs him by his arms and forces him to wrap them around his waist as he sways him side to side. McDonald’s is quiet at midnight except for the sobs escaping from Benedict’s lips.

“Pagod na ‘ko, Cal.” He cries. “Bakit nagyon mo lang sinabi?”

“I just—“

“Pagod na ‘ko.” He cries even harder and starts hitting Caleb’s back.

For a multitude of reasons—for the photo shoot, the client meeting, the dinner, the overdue case study, for the love of his life—, Benedict was exhausted and _pagod_ was the only word he can come up with. And he can feel it in his arms, his legs, and his entire body, threatening to give away. With the high of his anxiety and the adrenaline from his anger gone, his body was shutting down.

“ _Cali,”_ The nickname Caleb hasn’t heard in years, reserved for the times Benedict showed him the secret and sweet sides of him. “ _Cali,_ I am so—tired.”

There’s not much Caleb can do but sway him to calm him down. He doesn’t tell him to get a grip or to hold in the tears. He moves him away from prying eyes and lets him exhaust the tears and the tiredness. He squeezes him tighter, slowly realizing that he hasn’t been allowed to touch Benedict in _years_ and that this was the first time since they “broke up” that he was even near him.

Caleb has been in show business to know that there are a million versions of a break-up. The dramatic ones he sees in his cohort’s outlets. The controversial ones discussed in meetings over dinners. All of them, they said, really hurt but it was nothing a good tequila couldn’t fix. A few more good press and drinks and people are often good as new. It’s a cycle he enjoys watching—how people fall in love and then out, and then in again. He thinks it’s absolutely fascinating that people are able to meet new people and love them just as good because he _can’t._

Drenching him in tears and snot, he knows in his heart that this person was all that he wants to break up and make up with but what he has learned over the past few years is to not force things. Even flowers grow in their own pace and time. But until when can he just sit and watch?

Maybe when the phone rings and the _new person_ calls in to check if he’s already in bed. Maybe when he scrambles and motions for Caleb to follow him outside as he clutches his phone between his neck and shoulder. Maybe when he hears the cooing in the other line and the laugh he emits from it. Maybe when he hears the _Call me after_ and the quiet and peaceful aura that engulfs Benedict after.

 _Time._ What a funny thing. Maybe there are some things worth fighting for. Things he mistook would break if he _forced._ Things that were just waiting to be fought for.

When you leave a flower to grow in its own pace, resisting any other efforts to help them, it won’t always bloom but when the flower is given its own space to grow with a sprinkle of water, sunlight, and affirmations, it becomes the best version a flower can be.

 _I love you,_ he wants to say. Now that he has finally said it, he feels like saying it again and again. But Caleb knows it won’t change anything. Not when someone else can oh, so quickly pull him away from the dark with just one phone call.

“I don’t think I told you,” Benedict starts as he pulls up Caleb’s condo. “But I love you too.”

But love and _in_ love are different—the look of relief in Benedict’s eyes screams the former.

“Sorry for that—“ He points at the wetness on Caleb’s sweater. “Moment of vulnerability.”

“Ano ba, wala ‘yun.” Caleb waves him off. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“That’s—“

“And thank you. For everything.”

_Are we out of the woods?_

Benedict reaches his fist to him and he meets him halfway with a fist bump.

Sometimes when we’re so wary and calculated about things, we miss the timing. Caleb and Benedict know that now.

Caleb gives him a smile before opening the door. He takes a few more seconds before getting out. The world looks exactly as it was hours ago but something inside him feels different. It was as if for the past two years, his entire world was put on a halt and he didn’t even notice. Looking back once again for one final wave before jogging to the lobby, he realizes that his life is moving again now. He’s held onto this part of his life for so long, holding back any kind of growth on his part as he always tried to convince himself that he could fix what they broke before. Benedict waves back and honks the beep lightly. He realizes then that this _is_ his first actual heartbreak—loving someone when it’s too late and realizing that the world didn’t stop at all for him. Everyone has moved on but him. _How does he even start?_

As Benedict watches him jog to the lobby, he feels so many more words brewing inside of him, waiting to be said. But that’s for another day. Today was enough. Learning the truth, albeit unexpectedly, was enough. He feels a weight lifted off of his chest. Like there’s an ending to this unbelievably long chapter of his life.

He’s out of the woods now.

He flips a page and drives away.

-

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:07AM  
I just think that it’s too early  
to talk about this.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:07AM  
haha, gags. di ko rin inexpect  
mental breakdown lol

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:08AM  
So? How do you feel?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:08AM  
relieved  
happy

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:10AM  
That’s good?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:10AM  
Relieved. Like may natanggal sa chest ko  
na mabigat. Like it all makes sense now.  
Caleb and ang lagi niyang late sa lahat ng bagay.  
I just feel validated.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:11AM  
O, that’s good.   
What else did you guys talk about?  
Try again?  
Kayo na?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:12AM  
Try again? Gago  
I needed to go kasi Eric  
had a lead in this new case.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:13AM  
We have a new case against Usec. Uy di ba.  
May lead kagabi.  
But nasiraan sila sa highway and nagwawala si   
Atty. Heechul kasi walang magpa-hitch sakanila.  
Wala din daw mabook na grab.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:13AM  
So pause nanaman kayo ni Caleb?  
Akala ko pa naman nag late night talks kayo.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:15AM  
I was mid-breakdown tapos  
tawang tawa ako bigla kina Atty. Kim and Eric.   
Feel ko akala ni Caleb, baliw ako. Haha.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:17AM  
Baliw sa kanya haha

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:18AM  
ew

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:19AM  
Sobrang hirap itago ng secrets nyong dalawa.  
Either date or just casually be a barkada.  
Hirap na kami hahahaha

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:20AM  
The latter probs.   
I mean I feel like ang tagal ko nag  
momove on sa kanya kasi I was so angry.  
And I was so confused so when he told  
me na he felt the same way, parang gumaan bigla?  
Like I can finally, finally, FINALLY move on with my life.  
Yun na yung ending na iniintay ko.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:21AM  
I’m happy for you.  
Btw, office ka pa?

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:22AM  
Yes, dito na ako natulog.

 **YIXING (PERSONAL)  
** 8:23AM  
I’ll text mamaya.  
Caleb’s asking me out for  
breakfast. Baka magkwento rin.

 **BENEDICT BYUN  
** 8:25AM  
take care

-

**from: Caleb Park <calebchanpark@gmail.com>  
to: Julius Parker >JBParker@folkloreinternational.com>   
date: Sept. 11, 2020, 8:00AM  
subject: Acceptance: Caleb C. Park**

**Mr. Julius Parker  
Head, Human Resources  
Folklore International  
876 Acadia Dr.  
Toronto, Canada**

** Sub: Acceptance of Job Offer **

Dear Mr. Parker,

I extend my gratitude to you for offering me the position of Editor-in-Chief in Folklore International. I am delighted to accept your offer and look forward to commencing work with your company from October 4, 2020.  
  
Kindly let me know if there is any information or documents that I have yet to submit to you. I hope to complete all the formalities prior to my joining so that I can start my work efficiently.  
  
I thank you again for providing me with this wonderful opportunity. I am excited to be a part of your team and make my notable contribution to it.

Yours Sincerely,  
Caleb Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This made a lot of sense to me. I hope it's the same for you as well.
> 
> Slightly proofread. SLIGHTLY. 
> 
> Let me know what you think through comments and/or DMs and/or tweets (@__jonginnie, yes TWO underscores)


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb persisted and resisted the temptation to ask Benedict if one thing had been different--Would everything be different today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I can't believe we're at the epilogue now. Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment or tweet me @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores). Thank you so much!

**Epilogue: The 1**

**____________**

**CALEB PARK  
8:15 AM  
**Flight is early.  
Might not make it to dinner.

 **YIXING ZHANG  
8:18AM  
**The dinner is for you?  
What time is it?

 **CALEB PARK  
8:18AM  
**9PM.   
Next time na lang.  
When I go home for Christmas.   
In two months.

 **YIXING ZHANG  
8:20AM  
**You sure?

 **CALEB PARK  
8:20AM  
**Yeah. Plus, di ko sure  
if I wanna go through goodbyes again.  
LOL.

 **YIXING ZHANG  
8:22AM  
**Text ka na lang pag  
pasakay ka na ng plane mamaya.  
We’ll call.

 **CALEB PARK  
8:23AM  
**Sounds good!

**__________**

There’s an unfamiliar silence that wraps Caleb in his apartment. His bags are packed and the space is almost empty. His sister helped him move out his old stuff to his parents’ house the week before. The only thing left for him was his mattress, a pillow, and a small blanket. A part of his head is throbbing from the drinking he did the night before. His entire work team forced him out of his terminal leave to say goodbye to them. All of them not foreseeing that their team leader was going to quit. There we a lot of tears shed, some were even from Caleb. Leaving was the last thing he wanted to do. Not when Wallows Digital was his actual baby. He pulled this company up from the ground and worked day and night to be where it is now. To exit while they were at the top was a shame but he _has_ to leave. There’s something in his gut desperate for him to do so. It’s not that his heart wasn’t it anymore.

In fact, his heart was going to be the full-feature of the last issue he was going to write and that was the problem. Caleb didn’t realize that he has been walking around heartless and filling this void with temporary fixes—work, blind dates, tinder dates, and work again. He understands, now, why things didn’t hurt when he saw one problem after another unfold. It was because his heart wasn’t where it was supposed to be and he gave his mind the entire freewill to decide on what to do next—whether it was forcing himself in the Byun family dinners, overstaying his welcome in Benedict’s condo, or still holding to a part of his old self as they grew older.

As he sits in an empty room on his worn out mattress, he realizes that he didn’t only lose Benedict. He lost himself too. The thing was, he knew where to find Benedict but he didn’t know where to find Caleb.

His flight is not until midnight but the dinner his best friends have generously prepared for him was only going to make him feel guiltier. Caleb was pretty good at that—feeling guilty for the things he doesn’t have control over. Maybe it’s seeing his parents separate as a young child or maybe it’s being at the short end of the stick at every heartbreak of his sister. Perhaps it’s the growing up alone and thinking that if he was a better kid, he would be surrounded by more loved ones. Maybe it’s trying his best but not really being enough for everyone. No matter what it was, the guilt rests comfortably on his chest and when he sends a cancellation text to Yixing, the guilt adds more weight to itself as if telling him how that this is what he’s good at—hurting people.

He tries to kill time by taking 2 more naps and ignorning the series of phone calls and texts he’s receiving from old friends and colleagues telling him _happy trails._

His decision to move to Folklore wasn’t a decision out of whim. The company has been reaching out to him for almost two years. They said they were big fans of his writing and that they would be more than honored to have him in their team. Flight and accommodation for the rest of his stay, no matter how long, are charged to Folklore as well. It was a dream come true for any writers out there. But two years ago, Benedict was taking his bar exams and Caleb couldn’t afford to leave him without a proper meal every week. The year after that, he was “fixing” their friendship and Benedict was preparing for the biggest trial of his life. He, then, couldn’t afford to leave and not remind him to eat, sleep, and relax.

This year there was no more excuse. Folklore still wanted him and there was no more Benedict to take care of. _There was no more Benedict,_ period.

There was no reason to stay anymore.

He’s about to fall back into sleep for his fourth nap of the day when his doorbell rings. He checks the time on his phone—2:30PM—and groans at himself for missing lunch. He promised to get himself some shawarma from his friend downstairs but he doubts there’s even some left at this hour. He makes a mental note to make a call so they can whip out some shawarma special before he leaves. The doorbell rings again so he springs out of bed and trudges to the front door.

Caleb would like to think that after all of what they’ve been through, he has gotten to know Benedict more than anyone else in his life. He’s seen all facets of him—the young adult, the blooming adult, the happy Benedict, the sad Benedict, the heartbroken Benedict, the professional Benedict, the teasing Benedict—and he has loved all of them just the same. But, he feels his heart drop on the floor along with the guilt and his old friend, sadness when he sees a different Benedict in front of him.

Benedict dyed his hair platinum blonde after losing to a poll in the office. He’s gotten slimmer in the last three weeks they didn’t see each other because he started a diet and began working out in the gym. He looks brighter than ever, smilier than ever, and happier than ever and Caleb wants to squish him into a hug more than anything else. Instead, he tightens his grip on the door and forces a smile.

“Hey, “ He starts. He feels his heart back in his chest as it thumps harder than it has in the last three weeks. “Your hair looks nice.”

“Thank you.” Benedict’s cheeks rise at the compliment. He’s been told quite a few times that he looks younger than twenty-seven with his new look. “Yixing told me na di ka na raw makakaabot sa dinner mamaya? So I thought I’d drop by.”

“Yeah, flight—“ He loses is words and just nods to end his sentence. Benedict is clad in a tuxedo—his regular work outfit—and dress shoes. He’s holding a scarf in his right hand and a lunch box on the other. “Come in.”

“I’ll be quick. May meeting pa ako in like,” He checks his wristwatch. “Two hours.”

“Then, I guess I should say thank you?”

“Here, take this.” Benedict hands him the red-knitted scarf. “I heard from a friend that it started snowing early in Toronto so baka super lamig kapag dating mo ‘don. You should wear this. I made that with my nephew so I guess, it’s a parting gift. And ay, ito pa pala.” Benedict gives the lunch box after. “Mama made this. She heard about you leaving. Sayang daw hindi ka niya naipag dinner man lang but maybe when you get back.”

Benedict’s smile is too bright; _too genuine;_ for Caleb. He can feel it blind him. Maybe that’s why his vision was beginning to blur. It was Benedict’s toothy grin blurring everything it out. He doesn’t know when but he stops hearing what he’s saying altogether and he’s just trying to focus on the way that he’s grinning at him—he hasn’t grinned at him in a long time—he tilts his head back _in disbelief_ when he feels a tear escape his eye. _No._ This wasn’t supposed to happen. He doesn’t know if Benedict stopped talking or if he just lost his sense of hearing. He sighs to himself as he wipes his tears with his head tilted back.

“I’m in trouble.” He chuckles nervously when he faces him again. Benedict looks at him with concern but he doesn’t prod nor does he ask. Instead, he smiles again and asks,

“Why?”

“There’s no way out from you, huh?” His voice, although, shaky doesn’t crack. He feels his lip quiver signaling the unlocking of his flood gates. Caleb was never really the emotional type. He didn’t cry over simple things. In fact, he can count in his hands the number of times he cried before that night in McDonald’s. But nowadays, it seems that every single thing was a trigger. “No way out.” He drops his head at the realization that there really _is_ no way out. Benedict is and will always be a part of him. No matter how far he tries to go.

“You know,” Benedict starts quietly. “You don’t have to leave. Nilunod ko lang yung sarili ko sa pag-aaral at sa pagtatrabaho nung ako ‘yung nasa posisyon mo.” He looks at Caleb’s tears running freely this time and it takes all of him to not move. Benedict might have come a long way since he felt destroyed by Caleb but that doesn’t mean his heart isn’t breaking now too.

Caleb is and will always be his plus one; _his best friend_ and best friends sometimes break each other’s hearts too.

A frown appears on Caleb’s face. The kind of frown that shows up when a child is about to throw a temper tantrum after minutes of crying silently. He can’t form coherent sentences because he’s trying not to make a sound. He’s trying not to inconvenience anyone with his mess of emotions. His big eyes that everyone loved so much were turning red and Benedict wants to hold him even just as a friend. But, the way that Caleb is trying to grip the lunch box even if he was shaking was enough of a sign for Benedict to not move from his position. Touching Caleb or reaching out to him might just break him and he knows well enough that the only thing he wanted when he was in that position was his dignity.

Was there such thing as dignified heartbreak? Perhaps when the two of you are friends and are in the same circle of friends, you still want to save face and hide that one part of you--the weakest and most vulnerable side.

“I’m not leaving because I want to.” He manages to say. He even forces yet another smile amidst the tears. “I just—I think it will hurt me more being reminded that I don’t have you anymore and—“

“You have me, Cali.”

“No, no,” He shakes his head. “I don’t and that’s okay because you deserve to be happy ng malaya na sa akin.”

“Cal—“

“Kainis,” Caleb hiccups. He shakes his head and waves his hand holding the scarf to give him a few moments. “Sabi ko hindi na ko iiyak kasi naman eh but I’m going to be okay. Like how you became okay. As in, pahingi lang ako ng time tapos uuwi rin ako tapos parang walang nangyari.”

Instead of answering, Benedict only nods. No one knows what the future holds and he and Caleb know that the chances of the latter coming home for a barkada reunion was low. A part of him wants to tell Benedict to suck it up. If he was able to move on from him around him, he can do it too.

But people deal with heartbreak differently. Some masking it in anger like he did. Some have to go.

“Can you wait here ng konti? May kukunin lang ako.” Caleb wipes his tears and turns his back at him. He sees him place the scarf and lunchbox on one of the remaining boxes labelled “ATE YOO—STATIONARIES” as he disappeared to his room. When he comes back, he’s holding a thick stack of paper. Kind of like a manuscript of some sort. “Take it.”

The manuscript has written notes all over it but here’s a glaring red scribble on top with the words “FINAL” signed by Caleb.

“Your issue comes out on the 18th pero ito yung final draft ng write-up. I just thought.. you know.” He drifts off.

Benedict flips through the pages and sees that its 25-pages long including all the first drafts and revisions. In the middle part is a folded page with some scribble of reminder for his assistant, probably—“Final version after this page”, it says.

“I can’t wait to read it.” Benedict smiles. “I’m sure maganda ‘to. Ikaw nagsulat eh.”

“Bilhin mo pa rin ‘yung final ha. Hindi pa tapos mag edit sila Mark sa office ngayon dahil dun.”

“Ako pa ba?”

“Napaka kuripot mo kaya. Yung hard copy ha!” Caleb pretends to scold him, eyes widening with a small, playful smile on his lips. “Dapat sesendan mo ‘ko ng proof.”

“Magpapadala ka ba ng pambili?” Benedict teases. Caleb pretends to lunge at him and he rolls his eyes at the childishness. “Wag kang iyakin ‘don ah.”

“Ewan ko sayo. Pag tinanong ko sila Xing tapos di ka bumili ng copies, patay ka talaga sakin.”

“Oo na.” Benedict pinches him in the stomach lightly. “Alis na ko, ah? Medyo malayo pa yung idadrive ko. But do take care, okay? We’re all gonna miss you.”

Caleb takes a few more seconds to gaze at the love of his life who also happens to be his best friend before grabbing the sleeves of his tuxedo closer to him for a hug. Benedict falls against him, head against his chest like the perfect puzzle they are. He wraps his arms immediately around Caleb’s waist, squeezing it with emotions he may never get to tell him. They take each other in for an entire minute before parting. Caleb presses a kiss on top of his head.

“I love you.”

Benedict laughs and makes a face. He scrunches his nose and runs a ahdn through his very blonde hair.

“As a friend.” Caleb adds. “Wag kang feeling.”

He laughs harder this time and mocks him even.

“Tangina mo.” Benedict finally replies. “Alam mo na ‘yun.”

He hits Caleb with the manuscript before bidding his goodbyes. He tells him one last round of reminders from him, the barkada, and Benedict’s mom. They hug one last time, more briefly this time. Benedict thanks him for the manuscript and he thanks him back, unsure of what he really means, but maybe it’s the gratitude message for everything said and left unsaid.

They wave at each other one last time and as the elevator closes, Caleb watches Benedict flash him a big smile.

“Safe travels!” Benedict shouts.

_Ding!_

The elevator closes.

**__________**

**The 1: BENEDICT B. BYUN  
** _by Caleb C. Park, Editor-in-Chief Wallows Digital_

> For a lot of people, Benedict Bakehyun Byun is the star-lawyer and most sought-after bachelor in the country. With his good lucks, wit, and undeniable charm, not only can he wrap everyone in his fingers in court, but he has every single person falling at his feet in real life. Quiet and serious to most, they’ve become two of the main reasons he’s taken the whole world by storm.
> 
> I met Atty. Benedict B. Byun in the halls of the Ateneo De Manila University. We were seventeen. He was a few months older than I am but a few inches shorter. To his family, he was “Ben”. To us, he was “Bennie”. He was the “Blazing Byun” when playing bowling though. He was always smiling, joking around, and volunteering himself in recitations and class skits. He was loud but reserved at the same time. He was playful but he knew what he wanted. He was kind above-all and he put everyone before him. He didn’t show interest in becoming a lawyer. We were both Communication Management undergraduates, both planning to work for radio and then the news but somewhere after graduation, he found himself going back to the blue school, handing in his application letters for law school. With his undeniable determination and courage, he got in.
> 
> Bennie had a way of opening himself up to people and making one believe that you know the Blazing Byun inside out. His warmth envelopes the people around him all while hiding parts of him from the rest of us.
> 
> Even if his job required him to talk extensively, Bennie hated talking about himself so trying to get him to feature for Wallows was a difficult request for him to give into. It wasn’t like other news outlets weren’t trying to get him. We’ve spent multiple dinners wherein he had to turn off his phone because of the numerous calls he was getting, begging him to feature or to do an interview. He has reiterated to me how much he would rather talk about his case than himself and how he was already embarrassed that people are taking pictures of him in his downtime in an oversized shirt and sweats. He thinks that he lives a very boring life, one that is completely saturated at the moment, and that it doesn’t deserve an ounce of the spotlight.
> 
> It’s one Wednesday afternoon in a very popular café that he agrees to an interview. He tries to blend in the sea of students and people hanging out but, he was extraordinary in his own right, glowing even from a mile away.
> 
> Benedict Baekhyun Byun was born on the 6th of May 1992 to 2 Psychology professors.
> 
> “I’m boring.” He tells me. “I wasn’t ready to work yet. I tried for like a year and then I realized that I didn’t want to be bossed around.” He adds that he was only ever good at studying and working didn’t fit him quite well. Even after passing the bar exam as the bar topnotcher, Bennie was preparing to take up his PhD. But the turning point comes in the form of the Heechul Kim Firm.
> 
> HCK firm offered him a part-time position in place of one of their pregnant associates taking maternity leave. He had a few more weeks to kill before the deadline so for the first time in Blazing Byun’s life, he took an uncalculated and unsure move and said yes. He would later learn that this is one of the best decisions he made in his life.
> 
> The very first viral video that shot him to fame was a short clip of his opening statement at the trial of the year. It was a mere ten-second video and a hundred photos after. In his lucky black suit that his parents gifted him on the day that he became a lawyer, he had his hands slipped in his pockets, his hair swept to the side, his jaw firm in a mix of anger and determination, he was walking around in the dress shoes that his college barkada bought him the week before, Bennie was dubbed the “hottest bachelor of the year”.
> 
> He would spend the next seven months of his life cooped up in his office and barely coming home for a meal. He officially moved into the HCK quarters in the fifth month and would only come home to clean his apartment every once in a while. He remembers this time of his life with fondness. There’s a glint in his eyes as if he couldn’t believe he did what he did.
> 
> “As much as I was independent, I always had something familiar with me wherever I went.” He explains. “But at that time, because we were so busy and pressed for time, I just had to do it. And I did.”
> 
> He gets excited whilst explaining to me the routine he came up with at work and that he learned yoga from his seniors because it was the only way they could relieve stress. They couldn’t go out for security reasons and also because wherever Benedict went, a crowd of young men and women followed. They made their office into their own little home slash yoga studio. Although, admittedly, he says that yoga didn’t do much except feed his ego and fulfill his sense of achievement whenever he could lift himself with one hand. He was and will always be a hater of the gym or anything that makes him sweat but yoga was fun, he says. It was the only time of the day when they could all laugh at each other genuinely.
> 
> He goes silent for a little bit before completely zoning out. This was a habit he formed in law school—zoning out. The first few times he zoned out, the people around him would often get confused and worried. Bennie could zone out for an hour before actually falling asleep. Over time, his friends, including me, got used to it. As he got older, he has learned to reel himself back in quicker than usual.
> 
> “Sometimes I think too much and then I think about nothing.” He kicks me in the shin for not pulling him out faster and he catches me chuckling at him when he comes back. “It helps though. My brain’s too noisy so I just let it rest.”
> 
> I don’t say anything after that but Bennie likes to make sure and see that you believe him and what he said has won you over.
> 
> “It’s true!” He reiterates. “Then I’m back.”
> 
> The Benedict that I met in college and the Benedict who sat in front of me that day are two very different people. The former laughed like crazy and got his energy from making sure that the people around him laughed just as much.
> 
> The latter valued composure and neutrality.
> 
> I wonder when they changed and happen and why none of us noticed it. Bennie was still Bennie. I held onto the idea of Benedict in my head—the young, carefree, loving, smart, and happy Benedict—who was the most optimistic person in the world, who clung to his friends, who was early for anything and everything, who looked at everyone as if they were the world, and who loved everything with his whole chest.
> 
> As he zoned out in front of me for the second time, it gave me a chance to reflect on him as well. He was my best friend for so many years and I was convinced that I already knew him like the back of my hand. He’s going to kill me for noticing the pimple scars on top of his right eyebrow and that the crinkles around his eyes were slowly becoming permanent wrinkles. He has much lighter skin now, perhaps because he doesn’t go out much, and the bags under his eyes are the darkest I’ve seen them in almost a decade. He’s gotten a lot older as I’m sure I do too. His babyface was still a babyface with little hints of adults in them as if his experiences have shaped not only his heart but his face too.
> 
> I asked him what he gets the most stressed out about. Quickly, he answers with, “Timing”.
> 
> A standard answer would be a form of phobia or a cheesy answer about getting old. In my years as a writer and with the hundreds of people I’ve spoken to, this is the first time that somebody answered with timing.
> 
> “You can have everything you want in life and you can do anything you want but if you miss the timing, you’re screwed.” He explains. Even the trial of the year was half facts and half timing. If they waited a day before filing the case, the opposition would have found a way to get out of it. If he didn’t pick up his phone right after waking up two years ago, he would have missed HCK Firm’s offer. If he came in a couple of minutes late to this interview, the rain would have caught him. “I work hard just to get the right timing.”
> 
> I realize that it’s a work in itself. Trying to get the right timing takes a lot of effort and patience. Adding to the fact that everything our life has its own timeframe. But, as always, the Blazing Byun seems to be excelling at it. I compliment him, of course, as someone who always misses the timing and who is always late. He tells me that it’s not innate and that he had to learn it the hard way. He said that he used to rely on fate a lot and living life one day at a time. So, what changed?
> 
> “I lost my first love.” Because he was too eager, he said. He was too excited, he adds. “It was a lesson that cost me a friend and my first love.”
> 
> For a split second, the old Bennie shows up when he makes a face to try and lighten the situation but he immediately pulls himself back and changes the topic. He tells me that he’s working on a new case and that he’s no longer planning to take his doctorate, not this year, at least. He takes the wheel from me and steers the conversation from here on out—something I always warn my juniors about. Never let your interviewee take over. But this was the Blazing Byun. He was unstoppable. _Charmingly_ unstoppable.
> 
> I pushed away from the thought that Bennie always takes over a conversation when he doesn’t want to talk about himself anymore because I found myself in a debate about olives and whether they fit in a pizza or sandwich better. As I forced my argument to him, he looks at me in gratitude for letting him do what he wants and I kick him lightly in the shin in acknowledgment.
> 
> He proceeds to explain to me why it’s better on pizzas and as he slowly becomes more passionate about this, hundreds of questions start popping in my head. They rest heavily and quietly on my tongue while I try to make sense of how stupid olives are in general. I concede eventually, of course. There was no way in hell I was going to win against Attorney Benedict Byun or Blazing Byun for that matter.
> 
> He tells me to ask one more question and to be wise about it because this was going to be his first and last interview with me. Or with anyone, he jokes.
> 
> In the end, I didn’t. I didn’t think it was worth it to ask a message for his “fans” or a personal question from me whilst we’re in a professional interview. His future was set in stone in fighting for the injustices of the country with his team while also trying to improve his skills in bowling and expanding his knowledge in coffee. I thank him for this time and he thanks me for mine. I pay for our coffee as I have in the last almost decade and he makes a face scrunch as an awkward thank you.
> 
> There are a few times in my life when I’m sure that I can predict the next things that Bennie will do. But, every once in awhile, he’ll catch me off-guard. We were walking out of the café when he tells me,
> 
> “I think I would’ve been happier if I ended up with my first love.” He nudges me to cross the street with him to where my car is. He said that things would’ve been completely different though. He would’ve been another version of happy, not the one that he knows now. He probably wouldn’t have been a practicing lawyer. He explains, “Because he would’ve encouraged me to be comfortable and that would be studying. I probably would have a doctorate by now and I’d be studying again or teaching at most.”
> 
> Missing the timing meant drowning in his emotions and be angry for a while, he shares. But, that also meant that he had to grow up and find his way around. As cliché as it may sound, he said that he learned how to love himself without relying on the love of others. He was his own person.
> 
> As he neared the shore after constantly swimming and drowning, and swimming again for years, he found Attorney Benedict Baekhyun Byun—slightly older, a little calmer, much firmer, and a lot happier.
> 
> He credits his growth to his family and friends who stuck by him as he swung from both ends of the mood spectrum from time to time but really, it’s all him.
> 
> In another life, would he do everything the same way all over again?
> 
> The answer is yes. Even if he ends up a little different than Blazing Byun, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
> 
> And in another life, I hope that I get the chance to grow alongside you because seeing you flourish and seeing you happy are just two of the many privileges of knowing you. I am so proud of you, Blazing Byun.
> 
> Onwards and upwards, attorney.
> 
> _CP_

**__________**

**BENEDICT BYUN  
** 3:09AM  
Thank you.  
I’m proud of you too.  
Onwards and upwards, Cali.

**__________**

Caleb rushes to the emergency exit as soon as the elevator closes. There was one question he needed to ask and he needed to be there quickly. Luckily, he spots Benedict a couple of seconds after walking out of the elevator.

“Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, wait!” He’s running out of breath, literally almost about to pass out. He’s crying for one second and running next. There’s no in-between for his heart to rest. He’s slouched down, one hand on his knee, and the other signaling for Benedict to wait for him to catch his breath.

“Anong problema mo?” Benedict laughs, patting him on the head. “You good?”

“Moving on advice.” He croaks out. He’s still panting and regretting not calling Benedict to wait instead. “I need—like—how—I wanna know—how you did—like how are you— _you_ now?”

Benedict stops patting and takes a step back. Of all things, this was the last question he expects him to ask. But he takes it in, just as Caleb is taking in his much-needed oxygen after the dumb shit he just pulled. Not until recently, Benedict thought he was still full of anger and that it was the only thing that he felt towards Caleb. After their interview and a couple more days spent together, he woke up one day and just felt so much lighter. When he looks back at his years of progress, he always tries to find out when exactly he started feeling okay. It wasn’t fast progress. He even hurt some people along the way (read: Eric) but he got there.

“One day,” He starts. “Napagod na akong magalit sayo. I don’t have a moving on advice because I was just hella angry for the last two years. But one day, everything felt so heavy so I prayed. And that was that.”

“You…?” Caleb repeated. “Prayed?”

Benedict nodded. He wasn’t the most religious person in the world. In fact, his mother will kill him when she finds out that Benedict doesn’t go to Sunday mass regularly nor does he pray before meals.

“I prayed and told God that He can decide for me.” Benedict runs a hand through his hair. His heartbroken days and depressing weeks were long behind him. Caleb knew it was going to take quite some time for him but, it was going to be okay. Benedict was his best self now and he was going to get there too. “I have so much love for you, Caleb. I care about you and I will always, always love you.”

Caleb is standing straight now so Benedict tiptoes a little to reach the top of his head to give him a pet.

“I love you, and I think we would've had the most fun if we got together,” Benedict says. “But you’re not my person anymore.”

“That’s okay, right?” Caleb asks, voice barely audible. “I’m gonna be okay, right?”

Benedict smiles at him. He pulls all of his six foot one glory by the waist and engulfs Caleb n a tight hug.

For a split second, Caleb feels like he’s home. But if there was anything to learn from Benedict, it was to not make homes out of people. He pulls away from the thought and relaxes his body against Benedict. He sighs and waits but the silence continues. It takes him a couple more seconds to feel comfortable in it.

In their silence, Caleb found his answer.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I can't believe we're at the epilogue now. Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment or tweet me @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores). Thank you so much!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm trying to write a full-length fic again. Please let me know what you think. Leave me a comment or a tweet @__jonginnie (yes, two underscores!)
> 
> I DID NOT PROOFREAD


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